Required: Sense of humor

[SweetBrian]

anybody know the difference between jam & jelly????????

I have an answer but not to sure how it will go over

 

[elephant rider]

I have an answer but not to sure how it will go over

c'mon sweetbrain ha you can do it!!!!!! improvise!!!!

use pics insted of words HAHAHAHAHAH HEHEHEEHHEEHEHEEHH!!!!

 

[POWDERSLUT]

I have an answer but not to sure how it will go over

if you build it they will come........................

 

[SweetBrian]

ok here we go


lets just say you can't jelly your

into a womens

 

[elephant rider]

ok here we go


lets just say you can't jelly your

into a womens

I was using THROAT at the end of that one..... HHAHHAAHAAHAAAAA!!!!!!

 

[SweetBrian]

hahahaha that works to

 

[mathrulz]

Unfortunately, due to the current financial crisis, we have no alternative but to lay off Andre.

 

[johndeereman346]

Whats better than roses on a piano. Tulips on my organ.

 

[elephant rider]

whats the diff between a pick pocket & a peeping tom??

one snatches watches...........

whats the diff between a magician & a chores line???

one has a cunning aray of stunts.......

 

[crazy_wheeler]

THE THEORY....


'Well you see, guy's, it's like this . . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, guy's, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'

 

[crazy_wheeler]

An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The receptionist said, 'Hello, sir. Can you please tell me why you're here to see the doctor today?'

'There's something wrong... with my dick,' he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.'

'Why not? You asked me what was wrong... and I told you,' he said.

The receptionist replied, 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.' The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes?'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter!

Mess with seniors and you're gonna lose!

 

[Bogger]

THE THEORY....


'Well you see, guy's, it's like this . . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, guy's, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'

AMEN..true story

 

[my mod]

A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street,



when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.




'Nice bike,' the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?'




'Yes Sir,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.



The cop said, 'Next year, tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it!'



The young girl looked up at the cop and said,



'Nice horse you've got there Sir. Did Santa bring it to you?'






Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered, 'Yes, he sure did!'














The little girl looked up at the cop and said,



'Next year tell Santa: The dick goes underneath the horse, not on top '


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

[polarice]

On the first day, God created the dog and said: 'Sit all day by the door of
your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will
give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years
and
I'll give you back the other ten?' So God Agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said: 'Entertain people, do
tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life
span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time
to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?' And God
agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said: 'You must go into the field
with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give
milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span
of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty
years.. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?' And God
agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said: 'Eat, sleep, play, marry and
enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

But the human said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my
twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the
ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?' 'Okay,' said God, 'You
asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy
ourselves.



For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family.



For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.

And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you. There is no need to thank me for this
valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.

 

[crazy_wheeler]

Drinking with a Canadian Girl




A Mexican, an Arab and a Canadian girl are in the same bar.
When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces.. He says, 'In Mexico , our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'


The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks no-alcohol beer (cuz he's a muslim!), throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'


The Canadian girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says,
'In Canada we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'

 

[my mod]

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying: 'God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa.'

The father asked, 'Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?'

The little girl said, 'I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do.' The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: 'God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma.' The next day the grandmother died.

'Holy ch!t' thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say:


'God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy.' He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally, midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said 'I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?'

He said 'I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life.'

She said, 'You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!

 

[polarice]

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying: 'God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa.'

The father asked, 'Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?'

The little girl said, 'I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do.' The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: 'God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma.' The next day the grandmother died.

'Holy ch!t' thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say:


'God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy.' He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally, midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said 'I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?'

He said 'I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life.'

She said, 'You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!

now that right there is funny

 

[Snorider]

Drinking with a Canadian Girl




A Mexican, an Arab and a Canadian girl are in the same bar.
When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces.. He says, 'In Mexico , our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'


The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks no-alcohol beer (cuz he's a muslim!), throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'


The Canadian girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says,
'In Canada we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'

a 45 in canada though? cmon lol still gooder

 

[my mod]

ADVICE FROM A RETIRED HUSBAND

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Carol Anne. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Carol Anne to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think.For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour.. But, Boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Carol Anne. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, Guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Signed,

Ron

 

[my mod]

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good looking, older retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it - This is one ferocious lion! He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first."

She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor.

He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"

The tough old golfer replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of the way..."