Required: Sense of humor

[Buddman27]

Little Jonny heads out after breakfast to play with his friend Tommy. At lunch time Jonny comes home to eat. Mother is at the stove when Jonny says "Mom can I ask you something"? She says "sure little Jonny."
Jonny says "Mom what is it called when two people are in the same bed and one is on top of the other"?
His mother thinks for a minute and then says to herself.. Well he asked the question so I should answer him. He must have some idea or he never would have asked. So she proceeded to explain a little bit about sex to Jonny.



After lunch Jonny returned to Tommy's house to play again.
When Jonny returned for supper that night he said to his mother "Mom you know that question I asked you at lunch time?"
"Yes Jonny" said his mom
"Well it's called bunkbeds and Tommy's mom wants to talk to you"

 

[bucknbc]

Hudson River landing was a terrorist attack, heres proof.

 

[Summiteer]

Hudson River landing was a terrorist attack, heres proof.

Homeland Security is rumored to be tightening up the border again because they were Canada Geese.

 

[Summiteer]

One sunny day an old man approaches the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue where he’s been sitting on a park bench. He speaks to the U.S. Marine standing guard: “I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.” The Marine looks at the man: “Sir, Mr. Bush no longer is president, and no longer resides here.” The old man says, “Okay,” and walks away.



The following day, the same man approaches the White House, says to the same Marine, “I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.” The Marine again tells the man, “Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here.” The man thanks him and, again, just walks away.



The third day, the same man approaches the White House and speaks to the very same U. S. Marine saying “I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.” The Marine, somewhat irritated at this point, looks hard at the man and says, “Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Bush. I’ve already told you that Mr. Bush is no longer President and no longer resides here. Don’t you understand?”



The old man looks at the Marine: “Oh, I understand, all right. I just love hearing you say it.”



The Marine snaps to attention, salutes, and says, “See you tomorrow, sir.”

 

[crazy_wheeler]

For his birthday Little Matt asked for a 10-speed bicycle.
His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $300,000 and your
mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."


The next day the father saw Little Matt heading out the front door with a suitcase.
So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"


Little Matt told him, "I was walking past your room last night and I heard you tell mum you
were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.
Well, I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $300,000 mortgage and no f_cking bike!"

 

[Iron Horse Racing]

What to do with those old G.I. Joe action figures....

 

[Trashy]

Western Homuor.....

Sitting together on a train traveling through the Canadian Rockies were a fellow from Alberta, a fellow from Quebec, a little old lady, and a pretty blonde girl with large breasts.

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later, there is a sound of a LOUD slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the fellow from Quebec has a bright red hand print on his cheek. No one speaks.

The little old lady thinks; The fellow from Quebec must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.

The blonde girl thinks; The fellow from Quebec must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed, and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.

The fellow from Quebec thinks; The fellow from Alberta must have groped the blonde girl in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed, and got me.



The fellow from Alberta thinks... I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can smack that a&&hole from Quebec again.

 

[crazy_wheeler]

THE VIBRATOR

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?' The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.' The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.' A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip , placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy. The wife asked: 'What the f@!* are you doing?' The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my son-in-law.'
> >

 

[Mike270412]

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word , taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.


ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________ _________ _________ ________



ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________ _________ _________ _______

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
________ _________ _ ____________ ____

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

____________ _________ _________ ________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

____________ _________ _________ ______

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year- old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you s***tin' me?

____________ _________ _________ ________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!
____________ _________ _________ ________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS : Are you s***tin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

____________ _________ _________ ________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
____________ _________ _________ ________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
____________ _________ _________ _______

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
____________ _________ _________ ________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
____________ _________ _________ ________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.

________ _________ _________ ________


ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 P.M.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
_________ _________ _________ _________ _____

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
____________ _________ _________ ________

And the best for last:


ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

 

[dooryder]

haha man those are so funny, got any more?

 

[MOMMA]

In the homeschool group that we have here, I am kind of the loose cannon in relationship to other moms. They are all very proper, conservative women, me, not so much. Since I posted looking for a muff pot and purchased one, the kids have been really excited. You can see where I'm going with this. In a group of kids and their moms, my son announced, "my mom bought a muff pot". "her friends on the internet helped her". That took a bit of explaining...

 

[Summiteer]

In the homeschool group that we have here, I am kind of the loose cannon in relationship to other moms. They are all very proper, conservative women, me, not so much. Since I posted looking for a muff pot and purchased one, the kids have been really excited. You can see where I'm going with this. In a group of kids and their moms, my son announced, "my mom bought a muff pot". "her friends on the internet helped her". That took a bit of explaining...

That'll be a first, "Mom got me kicked out of home school"....:d

 

[Bogger]

In the homeschool group that we have here, I am kind of the loose cannon in relationship to other moms. They are all very proper, conservative women, me, not so much. Since I posted looking for a muff pot and purchased one, the kids have been really excited. You can see where I'm going with this. In a group of kids and their moms, my son announced, "my mom bought a muff pot". "her friends on the internet helped her". That took a bit of explaining...

I don't care who you are...^thats funny^..you can't make that $hit up

I can picture the expressions :0

 

[reaper020]

Subject: The stuttering cat


A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. 'Human
beings are the only animals that stutter'.
A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered',
she volunteered.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could
become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty, and the
Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we
knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'
'That must've been scary', said the teacher. 'It sure was', said
the little girl.
'My kitty raised his back and went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'...
And before he could say F**k, the Rottweiler ate him!'

 

[crazy_wheeler]

Bob liked to frequent the Newfoundland beaches, but was never able to attract the girls. He decided to ask his friend George the lifeguard for advice.

'It's dem big baggy swimming trunks, my son.
Dey're years outta style. Yer best bet is to grab yeself a pair of
Speedos - about two sizes too small, and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm telling ye, man...ye 'll have all de babes ye wants !'

The following weekend, Bob hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato. Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick!

Bob went back to George the lifeguard and and asked him, 'What's wrong now? '

'Lard-Tunderin' Jeezus b'y!' said George, ' the potato goes in the front!!'

 

[Trashy]

Subject: The stuttering cat


A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. 'Human
beings are the only animals that stutter'.
A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered',
she volunteered.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could
become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty, and the
Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we
knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'
'That must've been scary', said the teacher. 'It sure was', said
the little girl.
'My kitty raised his back and went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'...
And before he could say F**k, the Rottweiler ate him!'

That's great....I haven't heard that for a while:d

 

[johndeereman346]

Bob liked to frequent the Newfoundland beaches, but was never able to attract the girls. He decided to ask his friend George the lifeguard for advice.

'It's dem big baggy swimming trunks, my son.
Dey're years outta style. Yer best bet is to grab yeself a pair of
Speedos - about two sizes too small, and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm telling ye, man...ye 'll have all de babes ye wants !'

The following weekend, Bob hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato. Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick!

Bob went back to George the lifeguard and and asked him, 'What's wrong now? '

'Lard-Tunderin' Jeezus b'y!' said George, ' the potato goes in the front!!'

Now that funny right there.

 

[Doo800ho]

Just what i needed to today.....That's some funny chit.
Thxs to all

 

[Trashy]

In a recent survey...

80% of Northern Albertians have said, that they have enjoyed sex in the shower



The other 20% of Southern Albertians have said, that they have never been to prison

 

[Puba]

THE HORTH WHITHPERER


If you don't laugh out loud at this, you're just not trying!!


A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.

His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him?'

'That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment.'

So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.

'A female horth.'

So he shows him a prized filly.

'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth'?

So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth'?

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

'Nith earzth, can I see her mouf'?

The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

'Nice mouf, can I see her twat?'

Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's azz, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

'Perhapth I should rephrase that.

Can I thee her wun awound a widdle bit'?