Required: Sense of humor

[green-horn]

Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the Captain announced:
'Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain.
Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto . The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth, uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and... OH, MY GOD !'

Silence followed!

Some moments later the Captain came back on the PA; 'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'


One Newfie passenger yelled,
'lord tunderen jezis, you should see the back of mine! '

 

[OLIVE DRAB DEAN]

A newfie woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice in reviving her husband's libido..

'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.
'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'

'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'

It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'
'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.
'Well, I did as you advised and slied it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'
'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'
'Feckin jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face in Tim Hortons again!'

 

[OLIVE DRAB DEAN]

BIKER BAR

An old, blind guy wanders into an all-woman gay biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender,
'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke, I think it is only fair,
given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously... Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind guy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,
'Nah....not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times!'

 

[shan]

A six year old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit her Grandpa.

When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts into her Grandpa's room ..."Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"

"What?" said her Grandpa.

"Make a noise like a frog - because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we’re all going to Disney Land !!!

 

[green-horn]

A doctor on his morning walk, noticed the old, wrinkled, weathered old lady:,
She was sitting on her front step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said,
“I couldn’t help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?”
“I smoke ten cigars a day,” she said. “Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint.
Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food.
On weekends, I pop pills, have sex, and I don’t exercise at all.
“That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?”
“Forty,” she replied

 

[green-horn]

A mother in law said to her son's wife when their baby was born:

"I don't mean to be rude but he doesn't look anything like my son.. "

The daughter in law lifted her skirt and said:

"I don't mean to be rude either... but this is a pussy.. not a photo- copier."

 

[zeebs]

Little Johnny came home from school to see the family's pet rooster dead in the front yard. rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Johnny said, "Dad our rooster is dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"

His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."

"Gee Dad that's great," said little Johnny. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mum today!"

"What do you mean?" said Dad.

"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mum flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't have been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"

 

[snochuk]

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless Sundress, walked into a barin Dublin, Ireland.
She raised her right arm,
Revealing a huge, hairy armpitas she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked,
"What man here willbuy a woman a drink?" The bar went silent as the patrons triedto ignore her.

But down at the end of thebar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter andbellowed,
"Give the ballerinaa drink!"

The bartender poured thedrink, and the woman chugged it down.
She turned to the patronsand again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairyarmpit, and asked,
"What man here willbuy a lady another drink?"
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said,
"Give the ballerinaanother drink!"
The bartender approachedthe little drunk and said,
"Tell me, Paddy, it'syour business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do youkeep calling her the ballerina?"

The drunk replied,"Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!".........

 

[zeebs]

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time.
She was reluctant to call on little Johnny, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But, eventually, his turn came....
Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class and, with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well, the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnny had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.
"It's a period," reported Johnny.
"Well, I can see that," she said, "but what's so exciting about a period?"
"Damned if I know", said Johnny, "but, this morning, my sister said she missed one. Then Dad had a heart attack, Mom feinted, and the man next door shot himself!"

 

[snochuk]

A Wee Scot Tale. A golfer is cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland burn on the St Andrews course. A groundskeeper shouts: 'Dinnae drink tha waater! Et's foo ae coo's shite an pish!' The golfer replies: 'My Good fellow, I'm from England . Could you repeat that for me, in English!?' The keeper replies: 'I said, use two hands - you'll spill less that way! A Wee Scot Tale. A golfer is cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland burn on the St Andrews course. A groundskeeper shouts: 'Dinnae drink tha waater! Et's foo ae coo's shite an pish!' The golfer replies: 'My Good fellow, I'm from England . Could you repeat that for me, in English!?' The keeper replies: 'I said, use two hands - you'll spill less that way!

 

[snochuk]

Ole the Norwegian Wrestler A Russian and Ole the Norwegian wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold Medal. Before the final match, the Norwegian wrestling coach came to Ole and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian.. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has". Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished'. Ole nodded in acknowledgment. As the match started, Ole and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing Ole and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the coach buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost.. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen. Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the coach raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and Ole collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match. The crowd went crazy. The coach was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!" Ole answered, "Vell, I vas ready to give up ven he got me in dat hold, but at da last moment, I opened my eyes and saw dis pair of testicles right in front of my face...I had nuttin' to lose so wid my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit dose babies just as hard as I could." So the trainer exclaimed, "That's what finished him off!" "Vel not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get ven you bite your own nuts!"

 

[zeebs]

A man was walking on the sidewalk and noticed up ahead that Little Johnny was wearing a red fireman's hat and sitting in a red wagon. It appeared that the wagon was being pulled slowly by a large Labrador Retriever. When he got closer to the lad, he noticed that Johnny had a rope tied around the dog's testicles, which probably accounted for why the dog was walking so gingerly.

Smiling, he spoke to the little boy, "That's really a nice fire engine you have there, son. But I'll bet the dog would pull you faster if you tied that rope around his neck."

"Yeah," Johnny replied, "but then I wouldn't have a siren."

 

[my mod]

Now-a-days you have to be more explicit.



















Wife texts husband on a cold winters morning "Windows frozen" ...........





Husband texts back, "pour some luke warm water over it"......................





Wife texts back "computer completely fugged now"

 

[my mod]

Afrustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up herdead sex-life.
Sheputs them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite herhusband.

Atstrategic moments she uncrosses her legs ... enough times that her husbandfinally asks,
"Areyou wearing crotchless panties?"
"Y-e-s,"she answers with a seductive smile.



"Thankgoodness - I thought you were sitting on the cat."

 

[eclipse1966]

THIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC, MOST PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST WORRYING INRECENT YEARS

25% of women in this country are on medication for mental illness.
That's bloody scary.........

It means 75% are running around with no medication at all !!!

 

[OLIVE DRAB DEAN]

A man wakes up in the hospital
bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see
you've regained consciousness. Now you
probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the
freeway.

You're going to be ok, you'll walk
again and everything.

But your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."


The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You
have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we
now have the technology to build a new penis.


They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an
inch."

The man perks up. "So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you
want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and
this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a
five-incher before and get a nine-incher now she might be a bit
put out.

However, if you had a nine-incher before and you decide to only invest in a
five-incher now, she might be disappointed. It's
important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with
your wife?"


"Yes I have," says the man.


"And has she helped you make a
decision?"


"Yes" says the man.

"So, what is your decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting granite counter
tops."

 

[zeebs]

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her Grade 6 class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class.
She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny Pat?"
"Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters."
"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days."
The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny Billy?"
"Well miss, I just saw both of your garters."
Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!" This time the punishment is more severe, "I don't want to see you for three weeks."
Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.
"Where do you think you are going?" she asks.
"Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over."

 

[my mod]

A woman washaving a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One rainy day she was inbed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pullinto the driveway.



'Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. Myhusband's home early!'



'Ican't jump out the window. It's raining out there!'

'If myhusband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she
replied. 'He's got a hot temper and a gun,

so therain is the least of your problems!'

So theboyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps
out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouringrain, he quickly
discovered he had run right into the middle of the town'sannual marathon,
so he started running along beside the others, about 300of them.

Beingnaked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to
blend in as best he could. After a little while a smallgroup of runners who
had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

Do youalways run in the nude?' one asked.

'Ohyes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully
free!'

Anotherrunner moved a long side. 'Do you always run carrying
your clothes with you under your arm?'

'Oh,yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get
dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car togo home!' Then a
third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked,

'Do youalways wear a condom when you run?'

'Nope..just when it's raining.'

 

[my mod]

I just tooka leaflet out of my mailbox, informing me that I can have sex at 83!





I'm sooooohappy, because I live at number 77.....so it's not far to
walk home afterwards!

 

[my mod]

YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE A "DOG PERSON" TO TRULY APPRECIATE THIS STORY Stay I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the local shopping center and rolled Down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air. She was stretched full-out on the back seat And I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, Pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me?" "Stay! Stay!" The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady, Gave me a strange look and said, "Why don't you just put it in 'Park'?"