Required: Sense of humor

[Bnorth]

My boss pulled up in his brand new BMW and I couldn't help admiring it. "Nice car," I said as he got out.
"Well," he said, noticing my admiring look, "If you work hard, put the effort and the hours in, I will have an even better one next year."

 

[Bnorth]

A couple of Newfie engineers,John & Fred, were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walks by and asks what they were doing.
'We're supposed to find the height of dis here flagpole', says John, 'but we gots no jesus ladder'.
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her purse, took a measurement and proudly announced 'twenty one feet, six inches' and walked away.
Fred just shakes his head and laughed, ' Lord tunderin' Jesus, just like a woman. We want the height and she gives us the godamn length'

 

[green-horn]

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.
The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father.'
The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'
The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many.'
The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!'
The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said,
"Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar."

 

[teamgreen]

MAN RULES

AT LAST A GUY HAS TAKEN THE TIME TO WRITE THIS ALL DOWN
FINALLY, the guys' side of the story. ( I MUST ADMIT, IT'S PRETTY GOOD.)

WE ALWAYS HEAR 'THE RULES' FROM THE FEMALE SIDE
NOW HERE ARE THE RULES FROM THE MALE SIDE

THESE ARE OUR RULES!

PLEASE NOTE. THESE ARE ALL NUMBERED #1 ON PURPOSE!

1. MEN ARE NOT MIND READERS.

1. LEARN TO WORK THE TOILET SEAT. YOU'RE A BIG GIRL. IF IT'S UP, PUT IT DOWN. WE NEED IT UP, YOU NEED IT DOWN. YOU DON'T HEAR US COMPLAINING ABOUT YOU LEAVING IT DOWN.

1. CRYING IS BLACKMAIL.

1. ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT. LET US BE CLEAR ON THIS ONE:

SUBTLE HINTS DO NOT WORK!
STRONG HINTS DO NOT WORK!
OBVIOUS HINTS DO NOT WORK!
JUST SAY IT!

1. YES AND NO ARE PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE ANSWERS TO ALMOST EVERY QUESTION.

1.. COME TO US WITH A PROBLEM ONLY IF YOU WANT HELP SOLVING IT. THAT'S WHAT WE DO. SYMPATHY IS WHAT YOUR GIRLFRIENDS ARE FOR.

1. ANYTHING WE SAID 6 MONTHS AGO IS INADMISSIBLE IN AN ARGUMENT. IN FACT, ALL COMMENTS BECOME NULL AND VOID AFTER 7 DAYS.

1. IF YOU THINK YOU'RE FAT, YOU PROBABLY ARE. DON'T ASK US.

1. IF SOMETHING WE SAID CAN BE INTERPRETED TWO WAYS AND ONE OF THE WAYS MAKES YOU SAD OR ANGRY, WE MEANT THE OTHER ONE.

1. YOU CAN EITHER ASK US TO DO SOMETHING OR TELL US HOW YOU WANT IT DONE. NOT BOTH.
IF YOU ALREADY KNOW BEST HOW TO DO IT, JUST DO IT YOURSELF.

1. WHENEVER POSSIBLE, PLEASE SAY WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO SAY DURING COMMERCIALS.

1. CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS DID NOT NEED DIRECTIONS AND NEITHER DO WE...

1. ALL MEN SEE IN ONLY 16 COLORS, LIKE WINDOWS DEFAULT SETTINGS..
PEACH, FOR EXAMPLE, IS A FRUIT, NOT A COLOR. PUMPKIN IS ALSO A FRUIT. WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT MAUVE IS.

1. IF WE ASK WHAT IS WRONG AND YOU SAY 'NOTHING,' WE WILL ACT LIKE NOTHING'S WRONG. WE KNOW YOU ARE LYING, BUT IT IS JUST NOT WORTH THE HASSLE.

1. IF YOU ASK A QUESTION YOU DON'T WANT AN ANSWER TO, EXPECT AN ANSWER YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR..

1. WHEN WE HAVE TO GO SOMEWHERE, ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING YOU WEAR IS FINE...REALLY.

1.. DON'T ASK US WHAT WE'RE THINKING ABOUT UNLESS YOU ARE PREPARED TO DISCUSS SUCH TOPICS AS FOOTBALL OR MOTOR SPORTS.

1. YOU HAVE ENOUGH CLOTHES.

1 .. YOU HAVE TOO MANY SHOES.

1. I AM IN SHAPE. ROUND IS A SHAPE!

1.. THANK YOU FOR READING THIS. YES, I KNOW, I HAVE TO SLEEP ON THE COUCH TONIGHT.. BUT DID YOU KNOW MEN REALLY DON'T MIND THAT? IT'S LIKE CAMPING...

 

[eclipse1966]

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."

The man perks up.

"So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five inches before and get a nine inches now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine inches before and you decide to only invest in a five inches now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision?"

"Yes" says the man.

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor

"We're getting granite counter tops."


​

 

[Bnorth]

One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink.Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked,'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?'The blonde said it was hers.'Your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said.The blonde replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree.'The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred.''No way,' said the blonde. 'My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry 'cause I fed her this morning.'The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand. Your dog wants to have sex!'(You gotta love this).............................................The blonde looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog.'

 

[zeebs]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7mHQyiTbtRE&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Sent while using Tapatalk 2

 

[somethingnuw]

WHATS THAT, "WHAP WHAP WHAP noise"??!!

 

[green-horn]

TAKING A WOMAN TO BED


What is the difference between
girls/women aged: 8, 18, 28, 38,
48, 58, 68, and 78 ?



At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.



At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.




At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.




At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.




At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.



At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.



At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!




At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who the hell are you???



According to the U.S. Census Bureau:

190,374 people are having sex right now,

212,130 are kissing, and

1 poor bastard is reading emails.

You hang in there sunshine.

 

[green-horn]

I Owe My Mother...
**************************************
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTION-ISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA .
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

And my favorite:

25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you !"

Only you folks my age understand these profound statements!
But, there is one missing from this list~~My personal all-time favorite!

My mother taught me about CHOICE.
"Do you want me to stop this car?"

 

[CountryRider]

Hahaha marriage!!!

 

[zeebs]

A neighbor was helping a farmer get ready for an auction. The farmer had to run to town to get supplies.

When he returns to the farm the neighbor quickly pulls him aside and says to him "See that man over there? While you were away he went up on the porch and reached up your wife's dress while she was sunning herself, not once but TWICE!" The farmer replies to the neighbor, "It's OK, don't worry." The neighbor guy looked back at the farmer and told him "Sir, you don't understand, he had his hand way up her dress!" The farmer said, "No sir, YOU don't understand. She has a wooden leg and I pounded a nail in up there and that's where we hang the keys to the fuel barrels."

Sent while using Tapatalk 2

 

[Bnorth]

An Alberta boy was washed up on a beach after a shipwreck.

Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island. After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man.
Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was Alison Redford, Premier of Alberta!

That evening, the man brought Premier Redford to the evening beach ritual.
It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the man started to get 'those feelings' again.
He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Allison and told her he hadn't had sex for months. Allison batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.

He said, 'Could you take the dog for a walk, please ?'

 

[Bnorth]

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas stationthat was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alienaddressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take usto your leader." The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became angry at the lack of response. The older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you." The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated hisgreeting. Again, there was no response. Pissed at the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun andsaid gruffly, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to yourleader or I will fire!" The older alien again warned his comrade saying, "You probablydon't want to do that! I really think that will make him mad." "Rubbish," replied the young alien. He aimed his weapon and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towardshim and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him in a burnt,smoking mess about 200 yards away into a cactus patch. Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness,he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna and lookeddazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shakinghis big, green head. "What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien."He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?" The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on hiscrispy friend and replied, "If there's one thing I've learned duringmy intergalactic travels, you never mess with a guy who can loop hispenis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear."

 

[green-horn]

Seniors Travel....
A Travel Agent looked up from his desk to see an old lady and an old gentleman
peering in the shop window
at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world.

The agent had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window
gave him a rare feeling of generosity.
He called them into his shop, 'I know that on your pension you could never
hope to have a holiday, so I am sending
you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer.'

He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and
book a room in a five star hotel.
Then, as can be expected, they gladly accepted, and were off!

About a month later the little old lady came in to his shop. 'And how did you
like your holiday?' he asked eagerly.

'The flight was exciting and the room was lovely,' she said. 'I've come to thank you,
but one thing puzzled me.
Who was that old bugger I had to share the room with?

 

[eclipse1966]

ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2013 EUROPE
​

From JOHN CLEESE

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.

Regards,
John Cleese, British writer, actor and tall person

And as a final thought - Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC.

 

[green-horn]

No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.
An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they’d shared, where Andy had carved “I love you, Sally.”

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!

Andy said, “We’ve got to give it back.”

Sally said, “Finders keepers.” She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. “Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?”

Sally said, “No”.

Andy said, “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.

Sally said, “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile”
The agents turned to Andy and began to question him.
One said: “Tell us the story from the beginning.”

Andy said, “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ...”

The first police officer turned to his partner and said, “We’re outta here!”

 

[green-horn]

Snow White....



The seven dwarfs always left to go to work in the mine early each morning.

As always, Snow White stayed home doing her domestic chores.



As lunchtime approached, she would prepare their lunch and carry it to the mine.



One day as she arrived at the mine with the lunch, she saw that there had been a terrible cave-in.

Tearfully, and fearing the worst, Snow White began calling out, hoping against hope that the dwarfs had somehow survived.

'Hello. Hello!' she shouted. 'Can anyone hear me? Hello!'



For a long while, there was no answer Losing hope, Snow White again shouted, 'Hello! Is anyone down there?'

Just as she was about to give up all hope, she heard a faint voice from deep within the mine, “Vote for Justin Trudeau”



Snow White fell to her knees and prayed, 'Oh, thank you, God! At least Dopey is still alive!'

 

[green-horn]

Job Interview.......

Interviewer: What would you consider to be your greatest weakness?

Applicant: Honesty.

Interviewer: Honesty? I don't think honesty is a weakness.

Applicant: I don't give a **** what you think!

 

[CatMan16]

A young man and let’s say his name is Bob, just to be fair, moved out
from home and into a new apartment all of his own. He went proudly
down to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, a
stunning young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes,
wearing only a robe.


The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation
with him. As they talked, her robe
slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.


The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After
a few minutes, she placed her hand on
his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.'


He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned
against it, allowing her robe to fall off
completely. Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my
best feature?'


Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your
ears.'


Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these
breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100%
natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a
28 inch waist. Look at my skin - not a blemish anywhere. How can you
think that the best part of my body is my ears?'


Clearing his throat, he stammered... 'Outside, when you said you
heard someone coming... that was me.'