Required: Sense of humor

[albertagal500]

Never Choke in a restaurant in the South Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whisky, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. And, after a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?' The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?' The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress s, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back t o the bar. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!' If you don't send this to five friends, there will five fewer people laughing in the world!!

 

[CdnWrangler]

Ohhh.... I'll be nice.... could've milked this one for a couple hundred miles....

Never Choke in a restaurant in the South Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whisky, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. And, after a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?' The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?' The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress s, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back t o the bar. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!' If you don't send this to five friends, there will five fewer people laughing in the world!!

 

[sumx54]

Whats the difference between doing laundry and a one night stand???



A: you can drop a load in the washing machine and not worry about it following you around for a week.

 

[Summitric]

BAHAHAHAHAHAHA

 

[162SKIDOO]

Two Cannibals are eating a Clown..........
One cannibal looks at the other and says..........
You taste somethin funny?

 

[162SKIDOO]

The person that makes it sells it.
The person that buys it does not use it.
The person that uses it does not know that they use it.

What is it???

unless you no your going to die and your a coffin maker and decide to prepurchase and build the one you want.

 

[crazy_wheeler]

The answer was a coffin. Can't remember if it added the answer or not.

 

[162SKIDOO]

Little Johhny runs into the bathroom only to find his 8 month pregnant mom standing buck naked in the shower. She tries to cover her crotch but Johnny still gets a peek at moms Bush.
Johnny asked "mommy whats that?" Mom says thats mommy's sponge.now get outta here and go play........Johnny does so.

Mom has the baby a few weeks later and in the process they shave her bald as a cueball.......Well she's in the shower again one afternoon and Johnny comes blasting in the bathroom suprising mom again. Johnny looks and says to her... "mommy what happened to your sponge?" she replies' "Mommy lost her sponge !.........now get outta here !
Johnny being the good kid he is tells her that he will help poor mommy find her lost sponge and leaves the bathroom.

In a matter of 5 minutes Johnny comes running like hell screaming to his mom " I found your lost sponge mommy ...I FOUND IT!!!".

Stunned she giggles and asks where he found it?
Little Johnny says " I found it down stairs ......the maid is washing daddy's face with it and really doing a good job too"

 

[crazy_wheeler]

ROFLMAO.......

 

[162SKIDOO]

ROFLMAO.......

One of my favorite jokes of all time......i have about 10 that make me piss myself......

 

[crazy_wheeler]

I have a few good ones that'll make water or pop come out the nose but unfortunately their not PG 13....lol

 

[crazy_wheeler]

New fence builder looking for some work......

 

[polarice]

thats front wheel drive itll be fine lol

 

[crazy_wheeler]

Redneck Lent


Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor
grill and cook a venison steak.

But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic..And since it was
Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing
such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to
their priest.

The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a
Catholic.

After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass...and
as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, 'You were born a
Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic.

Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night
arrived , and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.
The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he
rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him,
he stopped and watched in amazement.
There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted:

You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you a
catfish.

AMEN
__________________

 

[crazy_wheeler]

Where do I find one...........lol

 

[crazy_wheeler]

View attachment dog sensitivity.bmp

How to tell if your dog needs sensitivity training

 

[crazy_wheeler]

No sex since 1959

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A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted
by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely
young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the
Sergeant Major for conversation.


"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is
something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."


The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks
like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You
know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way,
but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1959, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking
everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1959!" She took his hand
and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several
times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and
said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1959!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his serious voice, "I
hope not, it's only 2130 now."

 

[crazy_wheeler]

The priest

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A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard. Then the woman's husband also comes home. Panicked, she puts her lover in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy "I have a football."
Man "That's nice."
Boy "Want to buy it?"
Man "No, thanks."
Boy "My dad's outside."
Man "OK, how much?" Boy - $250

A few weeks later, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.

Boy "Dark in here."
Man "Yes, it is."
Boy "I have football cleats."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy "$750" Man "Sold."

A few days later, the boy's father says to the boy, "Grab your cleats and football, let's go outside and have a game of football. The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and cleats." The father says, "What?! Why?! How much did you sell them for?" Boy - "$1,000." The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is far more than those two things cost. You're going to church to confess!"

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again".

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[crazy_wheeler]

Things that are going to make you think twice..........

During an hour's swimming at a municipal pool you will ingest
1/12 liter of urine.


In an average day your hands will have come into indirect contact with 15 penises (touching door handles etc.)


An average person's yearly fast food intake will contain 12
pubic hairs.


In a year you will have swallowed 14 insects - while you slept!


Annually you will shake hands with 11 women who have recently
masturbated and failed to wash their hands.


Annually you will shake hands with 6 men who have recently
masturbated and failed to wash their hands.


In a lifetime 22 workmen will have examined the contents of
your dirty linen basket.


At an average wedding reception you have a 1/100 chance of
getting a cold sore from one of the guests.


Daily you will breath in 1 liter of other peoples' anal gases.



HAVE A GREAT DAY...

 

[CdnWrangler]

Geeze..... that's enough to make you want to purchase a biological warfare suit...... or run the rest of the population through a sheep dip.....

Things that are going to make you think twice..........

During an hour's swimming at a municipal pool you will ingest
1/12 liter of urine.


In an average day your hands will have come into indirect contact with 15 penises (touching door handles etc.)


An average person's yearly fast food intake will contain 12
pubic hairs.


In a year you will have swallowed 14 insects - while you slept!


Annually you will shake hands with 11 women who have recently
masturbated and failed to wash their hands.


Annually you will shake hands with 6 men who have recently
masturbated and failed to wash their hands.


In a lifetime 22 workmen will have examined the contents of
your dirty linen basket.


At an average wedding reception you have a 1/100 chance of
getting a cold sore from one of the guests.


Daily you will breath in 1 liter of other peoples' anal gases.



HAVE A GREAT DAY...