Required: Sense of humor

[rebel]

A little girl asked her father, "How did the human race start?"The father answered,"God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so all mankind was made." Two days later the girl asked her mother the same question. The mother answered,"Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved." The confused girl returned to her father and said, "Dad, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Mom said they developed from monkeys?"The father answered,"Well, dear, it is very simple.I told you about my side of the family and your mother told you about hers."

 

[rebel]

Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Southerner? 

 Here is a little test that will help you decide.The answer can be found by posing the following question: You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you,screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges at you... You are carrying a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do? THINK CAREFULLY :

Democrat's Answer: 
Well, that's not enough inform-ation to answer the question! What is a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP? Does the man look poor or oppressed? Is he really a terrorist? Am I guilty of profiling? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does the pistol have an appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? Should I call 9-1-1? Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have paint & weed day. Can we make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior. I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus. This is all so confusing!.......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... .......... ........ ... Republican's Answer:  BANG!  .......... ......... ......... ......... ......... .......... ......... .....Southerner's Answer: BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!BANG !Click.... (Sounds of reloading)BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!BANG!BANG!Click Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy!' 'Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?! Son: 'Can I shoot the next one?!' Wife: 'You areNOT taking that to a Taxidermist!

 

[rebel]

English p.m. Cameron, u.s. Pres obama & p. M. Justin trudeau are kidnapped together. the kidnapper gives each a chance to speak before your execution. cameron reply – ‘i wish to speak of my loyalty and service to the crown’. trudeau replies ‘since you are involved in a question of national  purpose, national identity,and secession, i wish to talk about the history of constitutional  process in canada ,special status, distinct society and uniqueness with diversity.’   obama replies ‘just shoot me before trudeau starts talking’--

 

[rebel]

Dear Sir, I have a Benefit Question :Many years ago, I married a widow out of love who had an 18-year-old daughter. After the wedding, my father, a widower, came to visit a number of times, and he fell in love with my step-daughter.  My father eventually married her without my authorization. As a result, my step-daughter legally became my step-mother and my father my son-in-law.  My father's wife (also my step-daughter) and my step-mother, gave birth to a son who is my grandchild because I am the husband of my step-daughter's mother. This boy is also my brother, as the son of my father. As you can see, my wife became a grandmother, because she is the mother of my father's wife. Therefore, it appears that I  am also my wife's grandchild.A short time after these events, my wife gave birth to a son, who became my father's brother-in-law, the step-son of my father's wife, and my uncle.My son is also my step-mother's brother, and through my step-mother, my wife has become a grandmother and I have become my own grandfather. In light of the abovementioned, I would like to know the followingoes my son, who is also my uncle, my father's son-in-law, and my step-mother'sbrother fulfill the requirements for receiving childcare benefits? Sincerely yours,Mohammed
THE  ANSWER:
Of course you qualify Mohammed!I have arranged to start mailing cheques to all of you just as soon as you arrive here in Canada.Welcome!Justin Trudeau

 

[rebel]

 Justin Trudeau walks into a Royal Bank to cash a cheque. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Bonjour, Madame, could you please cash this cheque for me?"Cashier: "It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?" Trudeau: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Justin Trudeau, the leader of the Liberal Party of Canada!"Cashier: "Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the CIDC legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID." Trudeau: “Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am." Cashier: "I am sorry, Mr. Trudeau, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them." Trudeau: "Mon dieu. I am urging you, please, to cash this Cheque." Cashier: "Look Mr. Trudeau, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque.Another Time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racket and made a fabulous shot whereas the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his cheque.So, Mr. Trudeau, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you?" Trudeau stands there thinking, and thinking, and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank...there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do and I don't have a clue."Cashier: "Will that be large or small bills, Mr. Trudeau.

 

[rebel]

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. So I said 'Implants?'She hit me

 

[Joholio]

A single guy decided life would be more fun
if he had a pet.

So he went to the pet store
and told the owner
that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion,
he finally bought a talking centipede,
which came in a little white box
to use for his house.

He took the box back home,
found a good spot for the box,
and decided he would start off
by taking his new pet
to the pub for a drink with him.

So he asked the centipede

in the box,
"Would you like to go
down the pub with me today?
We will have a good time."

But there was no answer
from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit,
but he waited a few minutes
and then asked again,
"How about going
down the pub with me ?"

But again,
there was no answer
from his new friend and pet.
So he waited
a few minutes more,
thinking about the situation.

The guy decided
to invite the centipede
one last time.

This time he
put his face up against
the centipede's box and shouted,



"Hey, you in there!
Would you like
to

go

to
the

pub

with

me?

.....

This time,
a little voice
came out of the box,

"I heard you the first time!

I'm putting my " F " ing shoes on!"

 

[Summitric]

How do court stenographers keep a straight face?

These are from a book called "Disorder in the Court" and are things




people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published




by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the




exchanges were taking place.









_______________________________




ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?




WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.




____________________________________




ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?




WITNESS: No, I just lie there.




____________________________________




ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?




WITNESS: July 18th.




ATTORNEY: What year?




WITNESS: Every year.




_____________________________________




ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?




WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.




ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?




WITNESS: Forty-five years.




______________________________________




ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his




sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?




WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?




____________________________________




ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?




WITNESS: He's 20, very close to your IQ.




_________________________________________




ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?




WITNESS: Are you ****ting me?




_________________________________________




ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?




WITNESS: Yes.




ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?




WITNESS: Getting laid




_________________________________________




ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?




WITNESS: Yes.




ATTORNEY: How many were boys?




WITNESS: None.




ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?




WITNESS: Your Honor, I need a different attorney. Can I get a




new attorney?




_________________________________________




ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?




WITNESS: By death.




ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?




WITNESS: Take a guess.




_________________________________________




ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?




WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.




ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?




WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town, I'm going with male.




_____________________________________




ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant




to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?




WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.




______________________________________




ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you




performed on dead people?




WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.




_________________________________________




ATTORNEY: ALL of your responses MUST be oral, OK?




What school did you attend?




WITNESS: Oral.




_________________________________________




ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?




WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM.




ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?




WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.




_________________________________________




ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?




WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?




______________________________________




ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?




WITNESS: No.




ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?




WITNESS: No.




ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?




WITNESS: No.




ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?




WITNESS: No.




ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?




WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.




ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?




WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.









​

​

​

​

 

[green-horn]

My husband hasn't worked for
the last 14 years. All he does is get dressed in the
morning and hop in his fancy car to visit his
cronies. I know he`s cheated on me many
times with young girls who could be his
granddaughters. I know because he brags about this
to me. He smokes fancy cigars and drinks
the most expensive Champagne day and
night. We sleep in separate beds because
he`s always telling me he knows I`m a lesbian and my
varicose veins and big bottom turn him
off! Should I clobber him with my frying
pan, or should I leave him, Abby? Your advice would be
appreciated ..... Mad as
Hell
Dear Mad as Hell
You don`t have to take that kind of
treatment from any man. I suggest you pack your bags
and move out a.s.a.p. Don`t resort to clobbering him
with the frying pan, and try to act like a lady!
Remember ......you`re running for
President of the United States, so try acting like
it!

 

[imdoo'n]

Just heard about the two gays having an argument at the bar!


They went outside and exchanged blows.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

[polarice]

an old cowboy is approached by his young granddaughter and she asks him what is the secret to a long life ... he told her his secret was a pinch of gunpowder on her cereal each and every day she did this and lived to be 104 she leaves behind 4 daughters 17 grandchildren 53 great grandchildren and 14 great great children and a 40 foot hole at the Crematoriam

 

[winterax]

"Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore.
"Mr. Garrett, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."

The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Garrett," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on."

The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."

 

[snochuk]

John told his wife, "I've got a problem."

She stopped him right there. "No dear, WE have a problem. We're in this together John.

We married for better or for worse. Therefore, your problem is our problem."

John sighed in relief. "Well, now it's hardly worth mentioning."

But his wife was insistent. "Go ahead John’', tell me. What's wrong?"

John answered, "Somehow, we got your sister pregnant!"

 

[niner]

There is three black roosters sitting on a fence.
A little boy ask his mom how many feet do those three rossters have?
The mother replies 6
How many eyes do the three roosters have?
The mother replies 6
How many beaks do the three roosters have?
The mother replies 3
How many hairs is on that white cats head sitting by the roosters?
The mother replies I dont know
The son then says "How come you know so much about black cocks and nothing about white pussy"

 

[winterax]

Bruce had always wanted a pair of cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to Sheila, 'Notice anything different about me?'

Sheila looked him over and replies, 'No mate.'

Frustrated, Bruce stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for his new cowboy boots.

Again he asked Sheila, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'

She looked up and exclaimed, 'Bruce, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow, 'cause its always that way .

Furious, Bruce yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, SHEILA?, DO YOU?'

'No matel', she replied.

'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT ME NEW COWBOY BOOTS!!!!'

Without changing her expression, Sheila replied, 'shoulda bought a hat, Bruce. Shoulda bought a hat.'

 

[winterax]

Donald and Hillary Go Into A Bakery on the Campaign Trail. As soon as they enter the bakery, Hillary steals three pastries and puts them in her pocket.She says to Donald, "See how clever I am?The owner didn't see anything and I don't even need to lie.” I will definitely win the election.

The Donald says to Hillary, "That's the typical dishonesty you have displayed throughout your entire life, trickery and deceit. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."

Donald goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick."Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry.Trump swallows it and asks for another one.The owner gives him another one.Then Donald asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.

The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, "What did you do with the pastries?"

Trump replies, "Look in Hillary's pocket"..

 

[green-horn]

A GLASS OF WINE



To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine

And those who don't and are always

Seen with a bottle of water in their hand,

Ben Franklin said:

"In wine there is wisdom,

In beer there is freedom,

In water there is bacteria."



In a number of carefully controlled trials,

Scientists have demonstrated that if we drink

1 litre of water each day,

At the end of the year we would have absorbed

More than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria

Found in feces.

In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop annually.



However,

We do NOT run that risk when drinking wine and beer

Because alcohol has to go through a purification process

Of boiling, filtering and fermenting.



Remember:

Water = Poop,

Wine = Health



Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,

Than to drink water and be full of poop



VERIFICATION:

BOTH THE HOUSE COMMONS and SENATE DRINK A LOT OF WATER WHILE IN SESSION.

THIS EXPLAINS THE RESULTS THEREIN . . . .



There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:

I'm doing it as a public service.

 

[green-horn]

A guy stopped at a local gas station and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and watched a couple of men working along the roadside.

One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind him and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was 25 feet behind filling in the hole.

The men worked right past the guy with the soft drink and went on down the road. "I can't stand this," said the man tossing the can into a trash container and heading down the road toward the men. "Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with all this digging and refilling?"

"Well, we work for the government and we're just doing our job," one of the men said.

"But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the taxpayers' money?"

"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us: me, Elmer and Leroy. I dig the hole, Elmer sticks in the tree and Leroy, here, puts the dirt back. Elmer's job's been cut... so now it's just me an' Leroy".

Sound familiar, folks?

 

[niner]

Justin Trudeau is asked how low is too low for the Canadian Dollar

 

[arff]

So he kind of said nothing.

Idiot