Required: Sense of humor

[kbrunlees]

I wonder what fish smelled like before women went swimming? ​

[/QUOTE]

 

[DaveB]

Get a Catholic joke, a Jew joke, a Protestant joke and your pretty much got every demographic covered...Hitler. HAHAHAHAHA

 

[whoDEANie]

Get a Catholic joke, a Jew joke, a Protestant joke and your pretty much got every demographic covered...Hitler. HAHAHAHAHA

That was the idea. ...didn't want to single anyone out!

The difference between a Jewish woman and an Itallian one?


...The Italian woman has fake diamonds and real orgasms.

 

[Sofa king]

A catholic, a jew and a protestant walk into a bar......... the bartender says GTFO

 

[Bnorth]

Tom and Mick were walking along a street in Toronto.
Mick looked in one of the shop windows and saw a sign that caught his eye. The sign read, "Suits $10.00 each, Shirts $4.00 each, Trousers $6.50 per pair."
Mick said to his buddy, "Look at the prices! We could buy a whole lot of dose and when we get back to St. John's could make a fortune.
Now when we go in you stay quiet, okay? Let me do all da talking cause if they hear our accents, they might think we're thickos from Newfoundland and try to screw us. I'll put on my best accent."
"Right y'are Mick, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will. You do all da business," said Tom.
They go in and Mick said in a posh voice, "Hello my good man. I'll take 50 suits at $10.00 each, 100 shirts at $4.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at $6.50 each. I'll back up me truck ready to load 'em on, so I will."
The owner of the shop said quietly, "You're from Newfoundland, aren't you?"
"Well yes," said a surprised Mick. "What gave it away?"
The owner replied, "This is a dry-cleaners."

 

[Summitric]

A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, 'because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish..'


The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'


God replied, 'Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'


The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'God, I Wish that I, and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.


God replied: 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge' ?

 

[Bnorth]

Dave was staring sadly into his beer and sighed heavily.

"What's up Dave?" asked the bartender. "It's not like you to be
so down in the mouth."
"It's my five-year-old son, Little Johnny" the man replied.
"Don't tell me, he's in trouble for fighting in school? My boy's
just the same. Forget about it; it happens to boys that age," said
the bartender, sympathetically.
"I only wish it was that," answered Dave, "but it's much worse.
The little bastard has got our 16-year-old baby sitter pregnant."
"That's impossible!" gasped the bartender.
"No it's not," said Dave. "The sneak went and stuck a pin in all
my condoms."

 

[Bnorth]

I was standing in a bar in town yesterday and this little Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me and starts drinking a beer. I said to him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu?" He says "No, why the fluck you ask me dat, is it coz I Chinee"? "No", I say, "It's because you're drinking my beer you little ch!t."

 

[Bnorth]

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car
broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills and canyon walls.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant.

"Nothing," the woman answered "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my
arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."

"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."

 

[Summitric]

Husband Down Isle 2

A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.
"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies
.
"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife..

Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."

He never knew what hit him.

 

[Summitric]

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[Summitric]

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[Summitric]

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[aircanam]

CANADIAN HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR 2030

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions ..

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Canada ’s third language.

Children from two-parent, married, heterosexual families bullied in schools for being 'different'. Tolerance urged.

Brampton schoolgirl expelled for not wearing a Burqa: Sharia law must be enforced.

Japan announces that Japanese will no longer consume whale meat as whales are now extinct and workers in the scientific research fleet are unemployed.
Canadian Government has told the Japanese that Grey and Black Squirrels taste like whale meat.

Canada now has ten Universities of Political Correctness. Professor Goldman Of U of T says there is still a long way to go in the fight to stop people Saying what they think.

Canada 's deficit $20 trillion and rising. Government declares return to surplus in 100 years which is 300 years ahead of time. Prime Minister Mohammed Yousuf claims increased growth through more immigration is the secret to success.

Wall Street banks merge to form new super bank, Goldman Rothschild Ebeneezer Epstein Drescher (GREED): Huge bonuses paid to executives to celebrate launch.

Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.

Iran still quarantined.. Physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Islamic Countries. No other country has volunteered to come forward to help the beleaguered nation!

Jose Manuel Rodrigez Bush says he will run for second term as US President in 2032.

Canada Post raises price of stamps to $28 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

After a ten year $175.8 billion study, commissioned by the Liberal Party, Scientists prove diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of a Canadian male drops to 252 lbs.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil and human Rights. Victims to be held partly responsible for crime.

Average height of professional basketball players is now nine feet, seven Inches.

New Canadian Liberal government law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and Rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2035 as lethal weapons..

Revenue Canada sets lowest tax rate in decades at 75 per cent.

Toronto Maple Leafs won this year’s Ontario Senior A cup final beating the Brampton Hindu Hornets 4-1.

 

[mudd kitty]

CANADIAN HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR 2030

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions ..

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Canada ’s third language.

Children from two-parent, married, heterosexual families bullied in schools for being 'different'. Tolerance urged.

Brampton schoolgirl expelled for not wearing a Burqa: Sharia law must be enforced.

Japan announces that Japanese will no longer consume whale meat as whales are now extinct and workers in the scientific research fleet are unemployed.
Canadian Government has told the Japanese that Grey and Black Squirrels taste like whale meat.

Canada now has ten Universities of Political Correctness. Professor Goldman Of U of T says there is still a long way to go in the fight to stop people Saying what they think.

Canada 's deficit $20 trillion and rising. Government declares return to surplus in 100 years which is 300 years ahead of time. Prime Minister Mohammed Yousuf claims increased growth through more immigration is the secret to success.

Wall Street banks merge to form new super bank, Goldman Rothschild Ebeneezer Epstein Drescher (GREED): Huge bonuses paid to executives to celebrate launch.

Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.

Iran still quarantined.. Physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Islamic Countries. No other country has volunteered to come forward to help the beleaguered nation!

Jose Manuel Rodrigez Bush says he will run for second term as US President in 2032.

Canada Post raises price of stamps to $28 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

After a ten year $175.8 billion study, commissioned by the Liberal Party, Scientists prove diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of a Canadian male drops to 252 lbs.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil and human Rights. Victims to be held partly responsible for crime.

Average height of professional basketball players is now nine feet, seven Inches.

New Canadian Liberal government law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and Rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2035 as lethal weapons..

Revenue Canada sets lowest tax rate in decades at 75 per cent.

Toronto Maple Leafs won this year’s Ontario Senior A cup final beating the Brampton Hindu Hornets 4-1.

WOW it sucks that this is probably a reality more then a joke......

Posted from my BlackBerry using BerryBlab

 

[Bnorth]

Leading drug companies have announced that live rabbits will no longer be
> used in scientific experiments. Muslims will now be used instead. A top
> scientist has stated that the advantage of using Muslims is they breed just
> as fast as rabbits, but you don't get fond of them !!

 

[Bnorth]

After landing my new job as a Bunnings greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day ......
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, woman walked into
the store along with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly, "Good morning and welcome to Bunnings."
I then said, "Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Don't be plucking stupid. Of course they aren't twins.
The oldest one's 9, and the other one' s 7.

Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"

I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam.. I just couldn't believe someone fawked you twice.


Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Bunnings."


My Supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

 

[Bnorth]

Saskatchewan hunter went out duck hunting in the fall and a gust of wind blew, his gun fell over and discharged shooting him in his private parts.



Several hours later, laying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor. "Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be okay. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage and we were able to remove all of the buckshot."



"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.



"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis which left quite a few holes in it. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."



"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"



"Not exactly," answered the doctor. "She's a flute player in the Regina Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."

 

[Bnorth]

One day after a long days work a man walks into a bar. He realizes that it's a gay bar, but decided to stay anyway. The bartender approaches and says what's the name of your penis. The man replies, "I'm not like that, I just want a drink,” The bartender says, "I can't serve you until you give the name of your penis. For example the name of my penis is Nike, for the slogan just do it. I'll come back in a few minutes." So the man thinks and turns to the man on his left and asks him the name of his penis. The man replies, "It's Timex, it takes a licking and keeps on ticking." The man then turns to his right and asks him. He replies "It's Ford. Have you driven a ford lately?" The man thinks and then calls the bartender over. "I got a name, it's Secret" Why is it secret, asked the bartender? The man says "it's strong enough for a man but made for a woman"

 

[zeebs]

Sent while not working too hard