heavy d
Active VIP Member
Booooooooourns
Required: Sense of humor
- Thread starter albertagal500
- Start date
Booooooooourns
youngpolarisguy
Active VIP Member
Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard.
Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air.
When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"
His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."
"Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy.
A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!" "What do you mean?" said Dad.
"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"
Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air.
When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"
His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."
"Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy.
A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!" "What do you mean?" said Dad.
"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"
youngpolarisguy
Active VIP Member
Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect desert camping and riding trip.
Two days before the group is to leave Rob's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Rob's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Rob sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and supper cooking on the fire.
"Dang man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said 'guess who'?"
I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose pedals all over. She had on the bed, handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did. And then she said, "now, you can do what ever you want."
So here I am.
Two days before the group is to leave Rob's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Rob's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Rob sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and supper cooking on the fire.
"Dang man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said 'guess who'?"
I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose pedals all over. She had on the bed, handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did. And then she said, "now, you can do what ever you want."
So here I am.
heavy d
Active VIP Member
A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.
The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."
The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."
The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.
The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.
After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "
The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"
The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."
The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."
The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.
The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.
After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "
The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"
heavy d
Active VIP Member
There was this lady and she really wanted to have sex, but she was to scared to ask her husband so she went to a jipsy and told her her problem.
The jipsy rummaged around in a chest and pulled out a pickle jar with a penis in it, and said "All you have to do is open the jar and say 'Pickle penis my vigina' and it will start having sex with you".
So later she tries out the pickle penis and it works great. That is until her husband walks in and he shouts "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT" and the woman says "It's a pickled penis"
Unfortunately her husband replied "PICKLE PENIS MY ASS"
The jipsy rummaged around in a chest and pulled out a pickle jar with a penis in it, and said "All you have to do is open the jar and say 'Pickle penis my vigina' and it will start having sex with you".
So later she tries out the pickle penis and it works great. That is until her husband walks in and he shouts "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT" and the woman says "It's a pickled penis"
Unfortunately her husband replied "PICKLE PENIS MY ASS"
youngpolarisguy
Active VIP Member
A man sat down at a bar and told the bartender, "I bet you three hundred dollars that I can piss into the cup all the way over there on the other side of the bar and not miss a single drop."
The bartender said, "There is no way you can do that. Sure, I'll bet you three hundred dollars."
The man then begins to undo his pants and begins pissing. He starts pissing all over the bar, spraying on the bottles and the bartender, not making a single drop in the cup.
The bartender starts smiling and laughing and says, "That's it, you owe me three hundred dollars."
The man then gets up and walks over to the pool table and starts laughing and shaking hands with the men standing there. He walks back to bar, sits down and starts laughing at the bartender and hands him the money.
The bartender asks, "Why are you laughing? You just lost the bet."
The man said, "I'm laughing because I bet those guys over there one thousand dollars that I could piss all over you and your bar and you would still be laughing when I was done."
The bartender said, "There is no way you can do that. Sure, I'll bet you three hundred dollars."
The man then begins to undo his pants and begins pissing. He starts pissing all over the bar, spraying on the bottles and the bartender, not making a single drop in the cup.
The bartender starts smiling and laughing and says, "That's it, you owe me three hundred dollars."
The man then gets up and walks over to the pool table and starts laughing and shaking hands with the men standing there. He walks back to bar, sits down and starts laughing at the bartender and hands him the money.
The bartender asks, "Why are you laughing? You just lost the bet."
The man said, "I'm laughing because I bet those guys over there one thousand dollars that I could piss all over you and your bar and you would still be laughing when I was done."
youngpolarisguy
Active VIP Member
Five Important Qualities
1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.
1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.
whitegold
Active VIP Member
Walking Eagle
Michael Ignatieff was invited to address a major gathering of the Indian Nation in B.C. this summer...
He spoke for almost an hour on his future plans for increasing every First Nation's present standard of living if he were elected Prime Minister.
He assured them he was always urging the present government to address more of the native
community's concerns.
At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribe presented the Ignatieff with a plaque inscribed with his new
Indian name - "Walking Eagle".
The proud Ignatieff then departed in his motorcade, waving to the crowds.
A news reporter later inquired to the group of chiefs of how they came to select the new name given to Ignatieff.
They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of ch!t it can no longer fly.
Michael Ignatieff was invited to address a major gathering of the Indian Nation in B.C. this summer...
He spoke for almost an hour on his future plans for increasing every First Nation's present standard of living if he were elected Prime Minister.
He assured them he was always urging the present government to address more of the native
community's concerns.
At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribe presented the Ignatieff with a plaque inscribed with his new
Indian name - "Walking Eagle".
The proud Ignatieff then departed in his motorcade, waving to the crowds.
A news reporter later inquired to the group of chiefs of how they came to select the new name given to Ignatieff.
They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of ch!t it can no longer fly.
Attachments
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While walking down the street one day a Member of Parliament is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'
'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.
'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'
'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.
'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises....
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
'Now it's time to visit heaven.'
So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'
The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the MP. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
What happened?'
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning.. ...
Today you voted.'
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'
'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.
'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'
'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.
'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises....
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
'Now it's time to visit heaven.'
So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'
The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the MP. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
What happened?'
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning.. ...
Today you voted.'
JaySimon
Active VIP Member
Why do they call the part between a womans breasts and her ass a waist?
You could easily fit another set of tits in there.
You could easily fit another set of tits in there.
my mod
Active VIP Member
- Joined
- Oct 19, 2008
- Messages
- 1,188
- Reaction score
- 706
Thank you for purchasing "Bubba & Cooter's Book of Saskatchewan Sure-fire Pick-up Lines" brought to you by Bubba & Cooter, straight outta the flats. Enjoy!
1) Did you fart? cuz you just blew me away.
2) Are yer parents retarded? cuz ya sure are special.
3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea. I can't hold it in.
4) Do you have a library card? cuz I'd like to sign you out
5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? cuz I can see myself in em.
6) If you was a tree & I was a Squirrel, I'd store my nuts in yer hole.
7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away..
8) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.
9) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
10) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon.
AND.. the best for last!
11) Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up
1) Did you fart? cuz you just blew me away.
2) Are yer parents retarded? cuz ya sure are special.
3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea. I can't hold it in.
4) Do you have a library card? cuz I'd like to sign you out
5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? cuz I can see myself in em.
6) If you was a tree & I was a Squirrel, I'd store my nuts in yer hole.
7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away..
8) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.
9) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
10) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon.
AND.. the best for last!
11) Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up
my mod
Active VIP Member
- Joined
- Oct 19, 2008
- Messages
- 1,188
- Reaction score
- 706
Newfoundlander walks into a Nfld. library and says to the librarian, 'Excuse me Miss, I want a book on suicide.'
To which she stops doing her tasks,
looks at him over the top of her glasses and says, '
Fock off, you won't bring it back!'
To which she stops doing her tasks,
looks at him over the top of her glasses and says, '
Fock off, you won't bring it back!'
my mod
Active VIP Member
- Joined
- Oct 19, 2008
- Messages
- 1,188
- Reaction score
- 706
For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle.. His father said, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it.'
The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?' Little Joseph told him; 'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.
I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no Focking bike !
The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?' Little Joseph told him; 'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.
I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no Focking bike !
green-horn
Active VIP Member
THE CANNIBAL
A cannibal was walking through the jungle
and came upon a restaurant operated by a
fellow cannibal.
Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu....
+Tourist: $5.00
+Broiled Missionary: $10.00
+Fried Explorer: $15.00
+Baked LIBERAL, Grilled CONSERVATIVE OR SAUTEED NDP: $100.00
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked,
"Why such a high price for the Politicians?"
The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one?
They're so full of ch!t, it takes all morning."
A cannibal was walking through the jungle
and came upon a restaurant operated by a
fellow cannibal.
Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu....
+Tourist: $5.00
+Broiled Missionary: $10.00
+Fried Explorer: $15.00
+Baked LIBERAL, Grilled CONSERVATIVE OR SAUTEED NDP: $100.00
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked,
"Why such a high price for the Politicians?"
The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one?
They're so full of ch!t, it takes all morning."
green-horn
Active VIP Member
Michael Ignatieff called Jack Layton over to his office one day and said, "Jack, I have a plan to win over Alberta!"
"Great, but how?" asked Jack.
"We'll go to WalMart, get some Western clothes and boots like most Albertans wear then stop at the pound and pick up a Labrador . When we look the part, we'll go to a nice old country bar in Calgary and show them how much admiration and respect we have for the hard working people living there."
So they did, and found just the place they were looking for in Calgary . With the dog in tow they walked inside and stepped up to the bar. The Bartender took a step back and said, "Aren't you Michael Ignatieff and Jack Layton?"
"Yes we are," said Michael, "And what a lovely city you have here. We were passing through and Jack suggested we stop and take in some local color." They ordered a round of Canadian on the house and started chatting up a storm with anyone who would listen.
A grizzled old farmer came in, walked up to the Labrador , lifted its tail and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked out. A few moments later, in came another old rancher. He walked up to the dog, lifted its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and left the bar.
For the next hour, another dozen farmers and ranchers came in, lifted the dog's tail, and left looking puzzled.
Finally, Michael asked,”why did all those old farmers and ranchers come in and look under the dog's tail? Is it some sort of custom?"
"Lord no," said the bartender. "It's just that someone told them there was a Labrador in here with two aholes!"
"Great, but how?" asked Jack.
"We'll go to WalMart, get some Western clothes and boots like most Albertans wear then stop at the pound and pick up a Labrador . When we look the part, we'll go to a nice old country bar in Calgary and show them how much admiration and respect we have for the hard working people living there."
So they did, and found just the place they were looking for in Calgary . With the dog in tow they walked inside and stepped up to the bar. The Bartender took a step back and said, "Aren't you Michael Ignatieff and Jack Layton?"
"Yes we are," said Michael, "And what a lovely city you have here. We were passing through and Jack suggested we stop and take in some local color." They ordered a round of Canadian on the house and started chatting up a storm with anyone who would listen.
A grizzled old farmer came in, walked up to the Labrador , lifted its tail and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked out. A few moments later, in came another old rancher. He walked up to the dog, lifted its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and left the bar.
For the next hour, another dozen farmers and ranchers came in, lifted the dog's tail, and left looking puzzled.
Finally, Michael asked,”why did all those old farmers and ranchers come in and look under the dog's tail? Is it some sort of custom?"
"Lord no," said the bartender. "It's just that someone told them there was a Labrador in here with two aholes!"
green-horn
Active VIP Member
> Quote of the Day
>
> Referring to Prince William's bachelor party:
> "It's gotta be weird stuffing money into a
> stripper's G-String when every bill has a photo of your
> grandmother printed on it."
green-horn
Active VIP Member
Payback for Blonde Jokes:
1. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes? Both of them.
2. Why did the man cross the road? He heard the chick was a available.
3. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg? They won't stop and ask for directions.
4. How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
5. What is the difference between men and government bonds? The bonds eventually will mature.
6. Why are blonde jokes so short? So men can remember them.
7. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? We don’t know. It has never happened.
8. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends..
9. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A widow.
10. When does a woman care for a man's company? When he owns it.
11. Why are married women usually heavier than single women? Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed, married women come home, see what's in the bed and go to the fridge.
12. How do you get a man to do sit-ups? Tape the remote control between his toes.
13. What did God say after creating man? "I must be able to do better than THAT!"
14. What did God say after creating Eve? "Practice makes perfect".
15. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common? They're all married.
16. Man says to God, "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?" God says, "So you would love her." "But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?" God says, "So she would love you!"
1. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes? Both of them.
2. Why did the man cross the road? He heard the chick was a available.
3. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg? They won't stop and ask for directions.
4. How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
5. What is the difference between men and government bonds? The bonds eventually will mature.
6. Why are blonde jokes so short? So men can remember them.
7. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? We don’t know. It has never happened.
8. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends..
9. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A widow.
10. When does a woman care for a man's company? When he owns it.
11. Why are married women usually heavier than single women? Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed, married women come home, see what's in the bed and go to the fridge.
12. How do you get a man to do sit-ups? Tape the remote control between his toes.
13. What did God say after creating man? "I must be able to do better than THAT!"
14. What did God say after creating Eve? "Practice makes perfect".
15. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common? They're all married.
16. Man says to God, "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?" God says, "So you would love her." "But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?" God says, "So she would love you!"
green-horn
Active VIP Member
Dave was staring sadly into his pint and sighed heavily.
“What’s up Dave?” asked the Landlord…It’s not like you to be so down in the mouth.”
“It’s my four year old son…” the man replied.
“Don’t tell me, he’s in trouble for fighting in school? – my lad’s just the same – forget about it; it happens to boys that age,” said the landlord, sympathetically.
“ I only wish it was that,” continued the customer, “ but it’s far worse than that. The little bugger has got our gorgeous 18 year old next door neighbour pregnant.” “Get away, that’s impossible!” gasped the landlord
“It’s not,” said the man. "The little $hit stuck a pin in all my condoms.”
“What’s up Dave?” asked the Landlord…It’s not like you to be so down in the mouth.”
“It’s my four year old son…” the man replied.
“Don’t tell me, he’s in trouble for fighting in school? – my lad’s just the same – forget about it; it happens to boys that age,” said the landlord, sympathetically.
“ I only wish it was that,” continued the customer, “ but it’s far worse than that. The little bugger has got our gorgeous 18 year old next door neighbour pregnant.” “Get away, that’s impossible!” gasped the landlord
“It’s not,” said the man. "The little $hit stuck a pin in all my condoms.”
green-horn
Active VIP Member
One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell, 'kerplop', right on his twitchy little nose.
'Oh please excuse me,' said the bunny. 'I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see.'
That's perfectly all right,' replied the snake. 'To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?'
'Well, I really don't know,' said the bunny. 'I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.'
So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, 'Well, you're soft, and cuddly,
and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!'
The bunny said, 'I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal are you?'
The snake replied that he didn't know either, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked, 'Well, what kind of an animal am I?'
The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, 'You're cold, you're slippery, and you haven't got any balls... You must be a POLITICIAN.'
'Oh please excuse me,' said the bunny. 'I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see.'
That's perfectly all right,' replied the snake. 'To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?'
'Well, I really don't know,' said the bunny. 'I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.'
So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, 'Well, you're soft, and cuddly,
and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!'
The bunny said, 'I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal are you?'
The snake replied that he didn't know either, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked, 'Well, what kind of an animal am I?'
The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, 'You're cold, you're slippery, and you haven't got any balls... You must be a POLITICIAN.'
green-horn
Active VIP Member
THIS IS A NON-PARTISAN, POLITICALLY CORRECT, JOKE THAT CAN BE ENJOYED BY All PARTIES!
While walking down the street one day a Member of Parliament is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'
'No problem, just let me in, 'says the man.
'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity'.
'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.
'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly and nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises....
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
'Now it's time to visit heaven.'
So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity'.
The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell. '
So St. Peter escorts him to the lift and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the lift open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and rubbish.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more rubbish falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the MP. Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of rubbish and my friends look miserable.
What happened?'
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning.....
Today you voted.'
While walking down the street one day a Member of Parliament is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'
'No problem, just let me in, 'says the man.
'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity'.
'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.
'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly and nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises....
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
'Now it's time to visit heaven.'
So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity'.
The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell. '
So St. Peter escorts him to the lift and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the lift open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and rubbish.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more rubbish falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the MP. Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of rubbish and my friends look miserable.
What happened?'
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning.....
Today you voted.'
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