Required: Sense of humor
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mxz800x
Active VIP Member
Fawk that was funny.
Rene G
Active VIP Member
Marital Misunderstanding
How men and women record things in their diaries......
Wife's Diary:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird.
We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.
I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was
upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.
Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere
quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.
I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.
I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.
He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me,
and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him.
He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior.
I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely,
as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.
Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed.
About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted,
and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep;
I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his
thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
Husband's Diary:
A two-foot putt... who the hell misses a two-foot putt ?
How men and women record things in their diaries......
Wife's Diary:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird.
We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.
I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was
upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.
Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere
quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.
I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.
I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.
He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me,
and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him.
He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior.
I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely,
as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.
Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed.
About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted,
and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep;
I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his
thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
Husband's Diary:
A two-foot putt... who the hell misses a two-foot putt ?
Raisin Bread
A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties.
One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter.
Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says.
The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf.
The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought.
When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves.
As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.
After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder, "Why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?" Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below. Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd.
Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?"
"No," he stammers, "But it's quiverin' a little.
A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties.
One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter.
Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says.
The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf.
The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought.
When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves.
As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.
After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder, "Why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?" Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below. Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd.
Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?"
"No," he stammers, "But it's quiverin' a little.
doorfx
Active VIP Member
Walk naked in North America day Saturday
WALK NAKED IN NORTH AMERICA DAY April 20 - 2013
Don't forget to mark your calendars.
As you may already know, it is a sin for a Muslim male to see any woman other
than his wife naked and if he does, he must commit suicide.
So next Saturday at 1 PM Eastern Time, all American women are asked to walk out of their
house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists.
Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.
All patriotic men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their houses
to demonstrate their support for the women
and to prove that they are not Muslim terrorist sympathizers.
Since Islam also does not approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack at your side is further proof of your patriotism.
The government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists
and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity.
WALK NAKED IN NORTH AMERICA DAY April 20 - 2013
Don't forget to mark your calendars.
As you may already know, it is a sin for a Muslim male to see any woman other
than his wife naked and if he does, he must commit suicide.
So next Saturday at 1 PM Eastern Time, all American women are asked to walk out of their
house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists.
Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.
All patriotic men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their houses
to demonstrate their support for the women
and to prove that they are not Muslim terrorist sympathizers.
Since Islam also does not approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack at your side is further proof of your patriotism.
The government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists
and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity.
papajake
Active VIP Member
Fu&k if it was that easy I would have the wife walk around NE Calgary or hire abunch of female prostitutes for the day
Rene G
Active VIP Member
doorfx
Active VIP Member
You can’t fix stupid !
pipes
Active VIP Member
and to think that there are people on here that think it's OK to haul two sleds on a deck on a half ton. Two sleds on a half ton is nothing compared to this stupidity.
Last night I was talking to a good looking young woman.
She asked me if I liked breasts or legs.
I told her what I really liked was a neatly shaved beaver
Needless to say, I'm not welcome back at KFC anymore.
She asked me if I liked breasts or legs.
I told her what I really liked was a neatly shaved beaver
Needless to say, I'm not welcome back at KFC anymore.
Bnorth
Active VIP Member
Kid walks up to his father and asks “Dad, what’s a pussy?”
Dad looks at him, gets up from his chair and says “follow me, son” and walks into the bedroom where his wife is sleeping. He pulls back the blanket and points to her vagina and says “that’s a pussy. It’s a wonderful, warm thing between a woman’s legs...”
Kid says “ok. well, what’s a c#nt?”
Dad takes a drag off his cigarette, waves his hand over her body and says “....the rest of it”
Dad looks at him, gets up from his chair and says “follow me, son” and walks into the bedroom where his wife is sleeping. He pulls back the blanket and points to her vagina and says “that’s a pussy. It’s a wonderful, warm thing between a woman’s legs...”
Kid says “ok. well, what’s a c#nt?”
Dad takes a drag off his cigarette, waves his hand over her body and says “....the rest of it”
Last edited:
52weekbreak
Active VIP Member
doorfx
Active VIP Member
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end,
someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
11. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
14 . God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.
15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people, who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end,
someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
11. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
14 . God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.
15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people, who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
retiredpop
Active VIP Member
Justin Trudeau decides one day that he is sick and tired of all the jokes about him and how all Liberals are perceived as stupid so, he decides to show his wife Sophie how really smart he is.
While Sophie is out taking singing lessons, JT decides that he is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. He disguises himself as an East Indian and travels to the local hardware and buys two pails of paint, (lavender - his favorite color) rollers and
brushes.
The next day, right after Sophie leaves for singing lessons, he gets down to the task at hand. Sophie returns home in the late afternoon and immediately smells the distinctive smell of fresh paint and marijuana. She walks into the living room and finds Justin lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. She notices that he is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time.
She hurries over to her Little Potato Head and asks him if he if OK. JT replies yes, so she then asks, what exactly is he doing? JT replied that he wanted to prove to her that he is not as dumb as everyone says and wanted to prove it by painting the house.
Sophie then asks him why he has a parka over his leather jacket? He rolled his eyes and replied that he was simply following the directions on the paint can which said...
"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS."
While Sophie is out taking singing lessons, JT decides that he is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. He disguises himself as an East Indian and travels to the local hardware and buys two pails of paint, (lavender - his favorite color) rollers and
brushes.
The next day, right after Sophie leaves for singing lessons, he gets down to the task at hand. Sophie returns home in the late afternoon and immediately smells the distinctive smell of fresh paint and marijuana. She walks into the living room and finds Justin lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. She notices that he is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time.
She hurries over to her Little Potato Head and asks him if he if OK. JT replies yes, so she then asks, what exactly is he doing? JT replied that he wanted to prove to her that he is not as dumb as everyone says and wanted to prove it by painting the house.
Sophie then asks him why he has a parka over his leather jacket? He rolled his eyes and replied that he was simply following the directions on the paint can which said...
"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS."
doorfx
Active VIP Member
I stopped by the Ford Dealership yesterday, for a look at the new 2019 F-150 aluminum pickup. Just for fun, I took it out for a test drive. I wanted to sense that new truck "feel" before I get too old. The salesperson (a nice looking lady wearing a "RESIST" lapel pin) sat in the passenger seat next to me, describing the truck and all its "wonderful" options. The seats were of particular interest.
She explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat. Feeling like messing with her, I mentioned that this must be a CONSERVATIVE truck.
Looking a bit angry, she asked why I thought it was a CONSERVATIVE truck. "I explained that if it were a LIBERAL truck, the seats would just blow smoke up your ass year-round!"
I had to walk back to the dealership, but it was worth it.
She explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat. Feeling like messing with her, I mentioned that this must be a CONSERVATIVE truck.
Looking a bit angry, she asked why I thought it was a CONSERVATIVE truck. "I explained that if it were a LIBERAL truck, the seats would just blow smoke up your ass year-round!"
I had to walk back to the dealership, but it was worth it.
Little Dan
Little Dan was in his 5th-grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up - fireman, policeman, salesman, doctor, lawyer.
Dan was uncharacteristically quiet, so the teacher asked him about his father. "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men, and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go home with some guy and have sex with him for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little Dan aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"
"No," said Dan, "he works for Justin Trudeau, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."
Little Dan was in his 5th-grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up - fireman, policeman, salesman, doctor, lawyer.
Dan was uncharacteristically quiet, so the teacher asked him about his father. "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men, and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go home with some guy and have sex with him for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little Dan aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"
"No," said Dan, "he works for Justin Trudeau, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."
Joholio
Active VIP Member
A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational.
On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.
‘About 32,’ is the reply.’
‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’
Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.
The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’
Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay.....How old am I?’
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’
‘I was behind you at McDonalds’.
Sent from Hun Ville
On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.
‘About 32,’ is the reply.’
‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’
Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.
The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’
Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay.....How old am I?’
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’
‘I was behind you at McDonalds’.
Sent from Hun Ville
FernieHawk
Active VIP Member
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