Required: Sense of humor

[tripster]

A cross-country trucker who has been on the road for three weeks




straight stops into a brothel outside Las Vegas. He walks straight up to the


madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want an ugly woman and a bologna


sandwich."





The madam is astonished. She says, "But sir, for that kind of money


you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."





The trucker replies, "Listen, sweetheart, I ain't horny. I'm


homesick..

 

[green-horn]

CONFUCIUS DID NOT SAY...

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion

Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build a crib but only one screw to fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Finally CONFUCIUS DID SAY. .. ...

"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"

 

[green-horn]

My Travel Plans for 2013.
I have been in many places, but I 've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can 't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.
I 've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.
I have, however, been in Sane. They don 't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my children, friends, family and work.
I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I 'm not too much on physical activity anymore.
I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.
I 've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.
Sometimes I 'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I 'm getting older.
One of my favourite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!
I may have been in Continent, and I don 't remember what country I was in. It 's an age thing. They tell me it is very wet and damp there.
PLEASE DO YOUR PART!
Today is one of the many National Mental Health Days throughout the year. You can do your bit by remembering to send an e-mail to at least one unstable person. My job is done!
Life is too short for negative drama and petty things. So laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly!

 

[green-horn]

The Ambidextrous Golfer

A group of 4 guys lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. One transferred to another city. It wasn't the same without him.

A new woman joined their Club. She overheard the guys talking about their golf round. She said, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week?"



The three guys looked at each other. Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally, one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting early - at 6:30 a.m.


He figured the early tee-time would discourage her. The woman said this may be a problem, and asked if she could be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes, but said okay. She smiled and said, "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."


She showed up at 6:30 sharp, and beat all three of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She was fun and a pleasant person, and the guys were impressed. Back at the clubhouse, they congratulated her and invited her back the next week. She smiled, and said, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

The next week she again showed up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she played left-handed. The three guys were incredulous as she still beat them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They were totally amazed.


They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be purposely showing them up. They invited her back again, but each man harbored a burning desire to beat her.

The third week, the guys had their game faces on. But this time, she was 15 minutes late, which made the guys irritable. This week the lady played right-handed, and narrowly beat all three of them.


The men mused that her late arrival was due to petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, they couldn't hold a grudge.

Back in the clubhouse, all three guys were shaking their heads.

This woman was a riddle no one could figure out. They had a couple of beers, and finally, one of the men asked her point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"


The lady blushed, and grinned. "That's easy," she said. "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I like to switch back and forth. When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his willy was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed."


The guys on the team thought this was hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if it's pointing straight up?"

She said, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."

 

[green-horn]

Q. What's the Cuban National Anthem?



A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat.





Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?



A. A different bar.





Q. What did the Chinese couple name their tan, curly-haired baby?



A. Sum Ting Wong .





Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?



A. A speech impediment.





Q. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek ?



A. Because they're not going to work in the future either.





Q. Why do Driver Ed classes in redneck schools use the car only on

Mondays , Wednesdays and Fridays?



A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.





Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?



A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal along with a recipe.





Q How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the 'F' word?



A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell, 'BINGO!'





Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale???



A. A northern fairytale begins, ...'Once upon a time...'



A southern fairytale begins, ... 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this ch!t.'





Q.. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?



A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States

 

[snochuk]

What's the difference between the scene of
A run over dog
and a run over lawyer






There are skid marks before the dog

 

[Bnorth]

A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door.
"Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.
"No, they went to town" said the boy.
"How about your brother, Howard … is he here?" asked the farmer.
"No, he went with Mom and Dad" the boy answered.
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one. Or I can give Dad a message" said the boy.
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant".
After thinking for a moment, the boy said, "You will have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull, and $50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

 

[Bnorth]

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice in reviving her husband's libido..

'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.

'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'

'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'

It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'

'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.

'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'

'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'

'Feckin jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face in Tim Hortons again!'

 

[Bnorth]

Boudreaux, the smoothest-talking Cajun in the Louisiana National Guard, got called up to active duty. Boudreaux's first assignment was in a military induction center.
Because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled. The officer in charge soon noticed that Boudreaux was getting a 99% sign-up rate for the more expensive supplemental form of GI insurance. This was remarkable, because it cost these low-income recruits $30.00 per month for the higher coverage, compared to what the government was already providing at no charge.The officer decided he'd sit in the back of the room at the next briefing and observe Boudreaux's sales pitch.Boudreaux stood up before the latest group of inductees and said,
"If you has da normal GI insurans an' you goes to Afghanistan an' gets youself killed, da govment' pays you benefishery $20,000.
If you takes out da suppmental insurans, which cost you only t'irty dollars a munt, den da governmen' gots ta pay you benefishery $400,000!
"Now," Boudreaux concluded, "which bunch you tink dey gonna send ta Afghanistan first?

 

[Bnorth]

A gas station owner near Camden , Alabama was trying to increase his sales. So he put up a sign that read,"Free Sex with Fill-Up."Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly he would get his free sex.The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said,"You were close! The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time."A week later, the same redneck, along with his brother, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up.Again he asked for his free sex.The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.The redneck guessed 2 this time.The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3.You were close, but NO free sex this time."As they were driving away, the redneck said to his brother, "I think that game isRIGGED, and he doesn't really give away FREE Sex."Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged. My WIFE won twice last week."

 

[Bnorth]

Two Newfies, Archie and Harry, were driving down the road drinking a couple of beers.
The passenger, Harry, suddenly said,'Lord tundering... up ahead -- it's a police roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' dese here beers!!'
'Don't worry,' Archie said. 'We'll just pull over and finish dese beers, then peel off the label, stick it on our foreheads, and trow the bottles under the seat.'
'What fer?'
'Jist let me do de talkin', OK?'
So they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight and put a label on each of their foreheads.
When they reached the roadblock, the police officer took a long look at the two of them and said, 'You boys been drinkin'?'
'No sir,' said Archie, pointing at the labels. 'We're on the patch.'

 

[Bnorth]

Four old retired guys are walking down a street in Yuma , Arizona .
> They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10
> cents."
> They look at each other and then go in, thinking, this is too good to be
> true.
>
> The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in
> and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?"
>
> There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini. In no time
> the bartender serves up four iced martinis - shaken, not stirred - and says,
> "That'll be 10 cents each, please."
>
> The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They
> can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis,
> and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with
> the bartender again saying, "That's 40 cents, please." They pay the 40
> cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two
> martinis and haven't even spent a dollar yet.
>
> Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as
> these for a dime apiece?"
>
> "I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix ," the bartender says, "and I always
> wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery jackpot for $125 million
> and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor,
> beer - it's all the same."
> "Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.
>
> As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven
> other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of
> them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there.
>
> Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the
> bartender, "What's with them?"
>
> The bartender says, "They're retired Ukrainians from Edmonton Alberta .
> They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price."

 

[Bnorth]

Raleigh, NC - January 2, 2013
Jeff Gordon announced today that he was firing his entire pit crew. This announcement followed Gordon's decision to take advantage of the government's stimulus plan for employing Black Harlem teenagers.
The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how welfare-drawing black street gangs from Harlem were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Gordon's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with thousands of dollars' worth of high tech equipment.
It was thought to be politically correct and a bold move by Gordon's management team, as most races are won or lost in the pits.UPDATE - January 4, 2013
It turns out Gordon got more than he bargained for. At the crew's first practice session, not only was the inexperienced black crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 9 seconds they had repainted it, altered the VIN number, and sold the car to Dale Earnhardt Jr. for ten cases of Colt 45, a bag of weed, and some photos of Jeff Gordon's wife in the shower.

 

[Bnorth]

Dick and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as


aircraft mechanics in Winnipeg, Manitoba ..
One day the airport was iced in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Dick said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!' Jim says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get abuzz.
You wanna try it?' So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed. The next morning Dick wakes up and is surprised at how good hefeels.
In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects.
Nothing!
Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?'
Dick says, 'I feel great, how about you?'
Jim says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?'Dick says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often..'
' Yeah, well there's just one thing.' 'What's that?'
'Have you farted yet?'
'No.'
'Well, DON'T - cause I'm in Alberta!

 

[Bnorth]

Pinocchio, Snow White and Superman are out for a little stroll in town one afternoon enjoying the sunshine.
As they walked, they come across a sign:
'Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world'.
"I am entering!" said Snow White.
After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how'd ya do?"
"I won First Place !," said Snow White.
They continue walking and they see another sign: 'Contest for the strongest man in the world'.
"I'm entering," says Superman.
After half an hour, he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?"
"I won First Place too," answers Superman. "Did you ever have a doubt?"
They continue walking when they see a third sign: 'Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?'
Pinocchio quickly enters the contest.
After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes.
"What happened?" they asked.
"Who the hell is Stephen Harper?" asked Pinocchio.

 

[snochuk]

A blonde city girl nam ed Judy marries a Saskatchewan rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Judy, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?" The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Judy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Judy sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one right here." The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks, "Tell me lady, cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be br ed ?" "That's simple, she said. "By the nail that's over its stall," she explains very confidently. Laughing rudely at her, the man says "And what, pray tell, is the nail for?" The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, "I guess it's to hang your pants on." (It's nice to see a blond win one, once in a while.) ​

 

[whitegold]

Share The Laughter Spread The Cheer,
Lets Be Happy While We're Here...




After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes as the train rolled out of the station. As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:




"Hi sweetheart. It's Eric. I'm on the train. Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting. No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. With the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"




Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly, when the young woman sitting next to him had had enough and leaned over and said into the phone ....
"Eric, turn that phone off and come back to bed."




Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.

 

[eclipse1966]

Subject: Disney film on hold ...




Walt Disney's new film called "Jet Black", the non-racist version of "Snow White", has been put on hold.


All of the 7 dwarfs: Dealer, Stealer, Mugger, Car Jack, Drive By, Pimp and Wog, have refused to sing "Hi-Ho".


They also say they have no intention of "Going off to work".....

 

[~Rowdy~]

haha wow, check out some of these pics. Kinda glad we have standards here in Canada!

Overloaded! on MSN Photos

 

[Riverjet]

Ruger is coming out with a new pistol in honor of the Canadian Senate.
It will be named the "The Senator."

It doesn't work and you can't fire it.