Required: Sense of humor

[green-horn]

I don't have a bucket list,
But my F _ cket list is a mile long!!!

 

[green-horn]

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, 'I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!'

'IMPOSSIBLE!,' said the groom broom.

Now are you ready for this?
Brace yourself; this is going to hurt!






'WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!'

 

[green-horn]

Romantic wife

My wife being the romantic sort, just sent me a text.............

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your
smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a
sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you x."

I replied........"I am having a $hit. What should I do?"

 

[doorfx]

I don't have a bucket list,
But my F _ cket list is a mile long!!!

 

[Summitric]

The doctor had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No
matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and
sense of betrayal of his patient were overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his
head that said: "Don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical
practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you won't be the last.
And you're single. Just let it go."

But, then another voice in his head would whisper: "You're a veterinarian,
you sick bastard ."

 

[green-horn]

HOLIDAY EATING TIPS


1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table
knows nothing of the Holiday spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave
immediately.. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It's rare.. You cannot
find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has
10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an
eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat.. Enjoy it. Have one for me.
Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy.
Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed
potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or
whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car
with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control
your eating. The whole point of going to a Holiday party is to eat other
people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's.
You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the
time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table
while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like
frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position
yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before
becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes.
If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if
you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have
three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory
celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some
standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or
get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips;
start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner. Remember this
motto to live by:

 

[green-horn]

Update on Sarah Palin and Playboy,

Playboy reportedly offered Sarah Palin $4,000,000 to pose nude in an upcoming issue.

Michelle Obama was offered $50 by National Geographic.

In other news........ we all remember when KFC offered a "Hillary"meal consisting of 2 small breasts and 2 large thighs.

Now, KFC is offering the "Obama Cabinet Bucket". It consists of nothing but left wings and chicken $hit.

Just keeping you up to date as this is my civic duty.

 

[Bnorth]

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the
liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'
And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas
tree.

 

[Bnorth]

Beer Theories
Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, "It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
Babe Ruth
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."
Lyndon B. Johnson
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
Paul Horning
~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
H. L. Mencken
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
George Bernard Shaw
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
Benjamin Franklin
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
Dave Barry
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C!
W. C. Fields
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Remember "I" before "E," except in Budweiser.
Professor Irwin Corey
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group Salvation in a can!
Leo Durocher
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(I Saved the best one for last! lolll)
One night at Cheers, Cliff Clavin explained the, "Buffalo Theory," to his buddy Norm:
"Well, ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members! In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

 

[Bnorth]

Two deaf people get married and during the first week of marriage they find
> that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out since
> they can't see each other signing, or read lips.
>
> After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the
> wife figures out a solution.
>
>
> She writes a note to her husband: "Honey, Why don't we agree on some simple
> signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over
> and squeeze my left breast one time. I f you don't want to have sex, reach
> over and squeeze my right breast two times."
>
> The husband thinks this is a great idea. He writes back to his wife that
> if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his penis one
> time. If she doesn't want to have sex, pull on his penis one hundred and
> fifty times.

 

[Bnorth]

Here is a riddle for the true intellectual.
Try to come up with the answer on your own.
However, the answer is at the bottom for those
who are unable to think this one through.

Here's the riddle:

At the exact same time, there are two 35-year-old men on opposite sides of the earth.

One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers at the 85th floor.

The other is getting oral sex from an 75-year-old toothless woman.
They are both thinking the exact same thing.

What are they both thinking?





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Don't look down!

 

[Bnorth]

Little Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom one day only catch him sitting on the side of his bed sliding on a condom.
Johnny's father, in attempt to hide his full erection with a condom on it, bent over as if to look under the bed.
Little Johnny asked curiously
"What ya doin dad?" His father quickly replied,
"I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed, to which Little Johnny replied
"What ya gonna do, fawk him?"

 

[DaveB]

Beer Theories
Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, "It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
Babe Ruth
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."
Lyndon B. Johnson
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
Paul Horning
~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
H. L. Mencken
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
George Bernard Shaw
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
Benjamin Franklin
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
Dave Barry
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C!
W. C. Fields
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Remember "I" before "E," except in Budweiser.
Professor Irwin Corey
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group Salvation in a can!
Leo Durocher
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(I Saved the best one for last! lolll)
One night at Cheers, Cliff Clavin explained the, "Buffalo Theory," to his buddy Norm:
"Well, ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members! In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

Cool stuff....but #2 is a Frank Sinatra quote....LOL.

 

[Summiteer]

 

[RMK Junky]

Just a tid bit of info

 

[AreWeThereYet]

..........

 

[tripster]

He was in ecstasy, a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forwards, then backwards, forward, then backwards again. ...back and forth ...back and forth ...in and out ...in and out. She could feel the sweat on her forehead, and between her breasts and trickling down the small of her back, she was getting nearer to the end!!! Her heart was pounding, her face was flushed, then she moaned, softly at first, then louder. Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted. "OK, OK! I CAN'T park the frigging car! You do it .....YOU SMUG BASTARD !" ​ ​

​

​

 

[snochuk]

While examining a female patient, the doctor tells her: “Your heart, lungs, pulse and BP are fine. Now let me see that cute little thing which gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble.” The woman immediately started taking off her clothes….. The doctor, stopping her said: “No! No! Please put on your clothes. Just show me your tongue."-

 

[snochuk]

A woman went to the doctor's office where shewas seen by one of the younger doctors. After about four minutes in theexamination room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall. An olderdoctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.​

After listening, he had her sit down andrelax in another room. The older doctor marched down​

the hallway back to where the young doctorwas writing on his clipboard.​

"What's the hell is the matter withyou?!" the older doctor demanded. "Mrs. Terry is 71 years old, hasfour grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she waspregnant?"​

The younger doctor continued writing andwithout looking up said,












​

"Does she still have thehiccups?"​

 

[green-horn]

A guy walks into a crowded bar pointing a gun around.

"WHO HAS BEEN SLEEPING WITH MY WIFE?" he shouts out.

A voice from the back replies....

"I DON'T THINK YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH AMMO!"