Required: Sense of humor

[green-horn]

SIMPLE TRUTH

Partners help each other undress before sex.

However after sex, they always dress on their own.

Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.

 

[green-horn]

A DC 'airport ticket agent' offers some examples of why the US is in so much trouble!
1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)

2. I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore) staffer (Howard Bauleke), who wanted to go to Cape Town. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts ...''

Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts , Cape Town is in South Africa ...'' His response -- click.

3. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando . He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.

He replied, 'Don't lie to me! I looked on the map, and Florida is a very THIN state!!'' (OMG)

4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who asked, ''Is it possible to see England from Canada ?''

I said, ''No.''

She said, ''But they look so close on the map'' (OMG, again!)

5. An aide for a cabinet member (Janet Napolitano) once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas . I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas . When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh)

6. An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m. and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.

I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois , but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that. (Must be blonde.)

7. A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, 'No, why do you ask?'

He replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!''

After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it, (I was dying laughing), I came back and explained the city code for Fresno , Ca. is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage.

8. A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii . After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii ?''

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright from Ala. who asked, ''How do I know which plane to get on?''

I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.''

10. Senator Dianne Feinstein called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola , Florida . Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?''

I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola and fly on a commuter plane. She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''

11. Mary Landrieu , La. Senator, called and had a question about the documents she needed in order to fly to China . After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.''

I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I told her this she said, ''Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!''

12. A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations, ''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York .''

I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?'' ''Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man. After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere."

The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!''

So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo , do you?''

The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''

Now you know why the Government is in the shape it's in!

Could ANYONE be this DUMB?

YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS, AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED.

 

[green-horn]

Some of you will enjoy this more than others.... Newfoundlanders can be so polite!

Gander Tower : "Saudi Air 511 -- You are cleared to land on runway 9R."
Saudi Air : "Thank you Gander . Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R - Allah be Praised."

Gander Tower : " Iran Air 711 - You are cleared to land on runway 27L."
Iran Air : "Thank you Gander. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 27L. - Allah is Great."

Pause....

Saudi Air : " GANDER TOWER - GANDER TOWER !"

Gander Tower : "Go ahead Saudi Air 511.."

Saudi Air : "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR
THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE
ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE . . . . . INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE!"



Gander Tower : "Well bless your hearts, and praise Jesus.
Proceed to your destination and tell Allah we said "Hi".

 

[green-horn]

Drover walks into a bar with a pet crocodile by his side.

He puts the crocodile up on the bar.
He turns to the astonished patrons and says....

"I'll make you a deal.
I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood inside.
Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute".

"Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed.
In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink".

The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his Credentials and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth.

The croc closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.
After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the crocodile really, really hard on the top of its head.
The croc opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer.... "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."

A hush fell over the crowd.
After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

A blonde woman timidly spoke up...
"I'll try it - Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!"

 

[green-horn]

Ethical Dilemma

The doctor had sex with one of his female patients and felt guilty all day long.
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal of his patient were overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."

But, invariably, another voice in his head would bring him back
to reality, whispering: "You’re a veterinarian, you sick bugger!"

 

[green-horn]

T H E I T A L I A N E L B O W
An Italian grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson
who is coming to visit with his wife.
"You comma to de front door of the apartmenta. I am inna apartmenta 301
There issa bigga panel at the front
door. With you elbow , pusha button 301.
I will buzza you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get
in, and with you elbow , pusha 3.
When you get out, I'mma on the left. With you elbow, hit my doorbell."
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons
with my elbow? "
"What . . . .. .. you coming empty-handed?"

 

[green-horn]

Wise Grandfather

Why Italian fathers and grandfathers pass their handguns down
through the family.

An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his
bedside, "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my
chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But Grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. "
"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. "Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, "times up?"

 

[sledhead_2002]

Washing Dishes with Coldwater: A MUST READ!
Can Cold Water Clean Dishes? This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean.

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan ..

After spending a great evening chatting the night away, the next morning John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.

However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking,

'Are these plates clean?'

His grandfather replied,

'They're as clean as cold water can get em.
Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!'

For lunch the old man made hamburgers.

Again, John was concerned about the plates, as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked,

'Are you sure these plates are clean?'

Without looking up the old man said,

'I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!'

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass.

John yelled and said, 'Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car'.

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted!

'Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!'

 

[sledhead_2002]

Divorce Settlement!!!!!

On the first day, he sadly packed his belongings
into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things.

On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; he put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar,and a bottle of spring-water.

When he'd finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow center of the curtain rods.

He then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

On the fourth day, the wife came back with her new boyfriend, and at first all was bliss.

Then, slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place.

Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked!People stopped coming over to visit.

Repairmen refused to work in the house.The maid quit.

Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided
they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut
their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.

Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to
return their calls.

Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

Then the ex called the woman and asked how things were going. She told him the saga of the rotting house. He listened politely and said that he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to reduce his divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.

Knowing he could have no idea how bad the smell really was, she agreed on a price that was only 1/10 nth of what the house had been worth ... but only if he would sign the papers that very day.

He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.

A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home ...

and just to spite the ex-husband, they even took the curtain rods !!!

 

[sledhead_2002]

St Peter was sitting at the pearly gates, when 5 guys with hoodies showed up...
St Peter when up to the office and told God that there where 5 guys with hoodies at the pearly gates.
God said, welcome them to heaven, we love everyone....
St Peter leaves, just to return a few minutes later and told God "There gone"
God said: "the 5 guys with hoodies?
St Peter said "NO, the pearly gates"

 

[sledhead_2002]

And it came to pass that an angel came up to three newly-dead men and said - "You are all to be allocated a method for transportation around heaven. You will be judged on your past deeds, and will have your transport chosen accordingly."

The angel looked at the first guy, Dave, and said- "You, Dave, were a bad man in life. You cheated on your wife four times! For this, you will drive around Heaven in an old beat-up Dodge."

The angel next looked at the second guy, Jon, and said- "You were not as sinful, but you still cheated on your wife twice. For this, you will forever travel around heaven in a Toyota station wagon."

The angel finally looked at our hero, Sam, and said- "You, Sam, have set a fine example. You did not have sex until after marriage, and you never cheated on your wife. For this, you will forever travel through heaven in a Ferrari."

A short time later, Jon and Dave pulled up in their cars next to Sam's Ferrari. There he is, sitting on the bonnet, his head in his hands, crying.

"What's wrong, Sam?" they asked. "You got the Ferrari! You're set forever! Why so down?"

Sam looked up, ever so slowly opened his mouth, and said, "I just saw my wife go by on a skateboard."

 

[sledhead_2002]

What does a graduate student with a science degree ask?
"Why does it work?"

What does a grad student with an engineering degree ask?
"How does it work?"

What does a grad student with an accounting degree ask?
"How much will it cost?"

What does a grad student with a liberal arts degree ask?
"Do you want fries with that?"

 

[sledhead_2002]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave at him and say hello.

He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you Know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that got me so excited I had to lay you right there on the pool table with all my buddies spraying whip cream on us???"

She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, actually I'm your son's math teacher."

 

[sledhead_2002]

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education than any cop from Houston. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense.

Deputy says, "License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What for?"
Deputy says, " You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Deputy says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?

 

[sledhead_2002]

A Newfie drives down the road and sees another Newfie in the middle of a field in a canoe paddling. The Newfie pulls over and yells "It's Newfies like you that make us look bad !!! And if I could swim...I'd swim over there and kick your ass!!

 

[sledhead_2002]

A retiring farmer in preparation for selling his land, needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every house in his town.

To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the woman is the boss, a chicken was given.

He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside gardening. "Who's the boss around here?" he asked.

"I am." said the man.

"I have a black horse and a brown horse," the farmer said, "which one would you like?"

The man thought for a minute and said, "The black one."

"No, no, no, get the brown one." the man's wife said.

"Here's your chicken." said the farmer.

 

[sledhead_2002]

One night, an 87 year-old woman came home from playing bingo to find her husband in bed with another woman.

Angry, she became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th-floor apartment, killing him instantly.

When brought before the court on charges of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in defense of herself.

"Well, your honour," she began coolly, "I figured that at 92 . . . if he could phuck, he could fly too."

 

[sledhead_2002]

One day there were two boys playing by a stream. One of the young boys saw a snake crawl under a bush and went over to it. The other youngster couldn't figure out why his friend was staying by the bush so long since the snake had disappeared.

The other boy went over to the bush to check it out. The first boy pointed out a woman bathing naked in the steam. So, both boys decided to stay and watch her.

All of a sudden the second boy took off running. The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away, so he took off after his friend.

Finally he caught up to him and asked his friend why he had run away. The second boy said to his friend, "My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran."

 

[sledhead_2002]

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the evil that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out.

So he called one of his best angels and sent the angel to Earth for a while.

When she returned she told God, yes it is bad on Earth, 95% is bad and 5% is good.

Well, he thought for a moment and thought maybe he'd better send down a second angel to get another point of view.

So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time too.

When the angel returned he went to God and told him "Yes, the Earth is in decline. 95% is bad and 5% is good."

God said this was not good.

So he decided to send e-mail to the 5% that were good. He wanted to encourage them, give them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what that e-mail said?

Oh, you didn't get one either, huh?

 

[sledhead_2002]

A plane leaves Los Angeles airport under the control of a Jewish captain.

His copilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together, and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.

Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese.'

'No rike Chinese?' asks the copilot, '....why not?'

'You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why !'

'No, no,' the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese.'

'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese... doesn't matter, you're all alike!'

There's a few minutes of silence.

'I no rike Jews either!' the copilot suddenly announces.

'Oh yeah, why not?' asks the captain.

'Jews sink Titanic.'

'What? That's insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the captain, 'It was an iceberg!'

'Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg ...no mattah... all same.'