eclipse1966
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View of Mt. Rushmore from Canadian side
Required: Sense of humor
- Thread starter albertagal500
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eclipse1966
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A guy gets a call from thepolice telling him that his house was robbed.
The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife.
A moment of silence passes and the guy says, “That can't be, I only had five beers in the fridge!”
* Was banging this nice Lady over her kitchentable when we heard the front door open. She said, “It’s my husband! Quick, trythe back door!”
Thinking back, I really should have ran – but you don’t get offers like thatevery day.
Thinking back, I really should have ran – but you don’t get offers like thatevery day.
Sorry for not calling youon New Years, I just got out of jail. I got locked up for punching the crap outof this idiot at a party. In my defense…when you hear an Arab counting downfrom 10, your instincts kick in.
shan
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a married couple on vacation in Jamaica walked into a sandal shop. The Jamaican said to them, "I have some special sandals, I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex." Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was.
The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?" The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon." So, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally he gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them on to his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes!
In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips. The Jamaican began screaming, "YOU GOT DEM ON THE WRONG FEET!"
The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?" The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon." So, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally he gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them on to his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes!
In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips. The Jamaican began screaming, "YOU GOT DEM ON THE WRONG FEET!"
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sledhead_2002
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Speaking with a slur.
Woke up this morning, got dressed and went down to the kitchen where my
wife was already fixing breakfast. I looked to see what she was cooking, and
I see one of my socks in the frying pan.
"What are you doing?" I asked her.
She said, "I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to
bed, drunk as hell again," she replied.
Completely puzzled, I walked away thinking to myself , "I don't remember
asking her to cook my sock."
Woke up this morning, got dressed and went down to the kitchen where my
wife was already fixing breakfast. I looked to see what she was cooking, and
I see one of my socks in the frying pan.
"What are you doing?" I asked her.
She said, "I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to
bed, drunk as hell again," she replied.
Completely puzzled, I walked away thinking to myself , "I don't remember
asking her to cook my sock."
sledhead_2002
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A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?" ... He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee." "Have you ever been in the military service?" "Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for two years." The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?" The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles." The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day." The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?" "This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."
sledhead_2002
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Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replied, "Mum! I have someone for you to meet.."
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend away..
Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.
Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"
She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."
He knew he was not getting lucky that night.
The following night was the same- she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit - but now he was wearing black condom.
She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"
He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences.."
Her daughter immediately replied, "Mum! I have someone for you to meet.."
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend away..
Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.
Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"
She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."
He knew he was not getting lucky that night.
The following night was the same- she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit - but now he was wearing black condom.
She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"
He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences.."
sledhead_2002
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Boobs vs. Willies
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?' The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s her boobs are like melons, round & firm. In her 30s t o 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. ... After 50, they are like onions'. 'Onions?' 'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.' This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, 'Mom, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?' The mother smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree'. 'A Christmas tree?' 'Yes --- dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?' The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s her boobs are like melons, round & firm. In her 30s t o 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. ... After 50, they are like onions'. 'Onions?' 'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.' This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, 'Mom, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?' The mother smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree'. 'A Christmas tree?' 'Yes --- dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.
sledhead_2002
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Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up.
But then the wife stops and says, "I don' t feel like it. I just want you to hold me."
The husband says " WHAT???" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman.
The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.
So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and had her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife, We 'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each.
And then goes to the jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet.
The husband says "but you don 't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it.'
The wife is jumping up and down. So excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says " I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register. "
The husband says, " no no no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife face goes blank.
" No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."
Her face gets really red she is about to explode and then the husband says " You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a MAN!"
But then the wife stops and says, "I don' t feel like it. I just want you to hold me."
The husband says " WHAT???" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman.
The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.
So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and had her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife, We 'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each.
And then goes to the jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet.
The husband says "but you don 't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it.'
The wife is jumping up and down. So excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says " I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register. "
The husband says, " no no no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife face goes blank.
" No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."
Her face gets really red she is about to explode and then the husband says " You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a MAN!"
sledhead_2002
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There was once a little girl and a little boy in kindergarten.
One day, the little boy pulled down his pants and asked the little girl, "what's this?"
"I don't know," the little girl replied, pulling down her pants and asking him the same question.
"I don't know," said the little boy.
The little girl goes home and asks her mother. She pulls down her pants and says, "mommy, what is this?"
"That's your garage, honey' the mother said, "don't let anyone park their car in it."
The little boy goes home and asks his father.
"What is this, daddy?"
"That's your car, son" he said, "park it in as many garages as you can."
The next day the little girl walks home to her mother with hands covered in blood.
"What happened?!" asked the mother.
"Well," said the little girl, "some boy tried to park his car in my garage, so I tore off his back wheels."
One day, the little boy pulled down his pants and asked the little girl, "what's this?"
"I don't know," the little girl replied, pulling down her pants and asking him the same question.
"I don't know," said the little boy.
The little girl goes home and asks her mother. She pulls down her pants and says, "mommy, what is this?"
"That's your garage, honey' the mother said, "don't let anyone park their car in it."
The little boy goes home and asks his father.
"What is this, daddy?"
"That's your car, son" he said, "park it in as many garages as you can."
The next day the little girl walks home to her mother with hands covered in blood.
"What happened?!" asked the mother.
"Well," said the little girl, "some boy tried to park his car in my garage, so I tore off his back wheels."
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