Bad Joke Thread!

catmando

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Vacationing Near Transylvania

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe, as it happens, near Transylvania.. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway.. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front
of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car,
but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious... With her head bleeding!
Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her
medical assistance.

Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large,
old house. He approaches the door and knocks.

A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty.
We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt.
Can I please use your phone?"



"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone.
My master is a doctor; come in and I will get him!"
Bob brings his wife in.


An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you.
I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist.. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."


With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.


After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail.
Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he
notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music.. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat!
He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!

Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.


He bursts in and shouts to his master:




"Master, Master! ..... The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"


(I am soooooo sorry...... But you really should've seen that coming) Gotcha....
 
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catmando

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The love story of Ralph and Edna...


Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.




He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.




Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of

Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.




When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.




The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'




Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'




Today is Mental Health Day! You can do your bit by remembering to send an email to an unstable friend...


Done my part!!!
 
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catmando

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The title said bad jokes...........They both sucked but they are very well written LOL!
catmando!
 

Captjacksparrow

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Why do men pee in the shower?



because peeing in the bath would just be gross!


(you said bad jokes:d:beer:)
 
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catmando

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Why Do Scuba Divers fall backwards out of the boat??????????


If they fell forward they would still be in the boat!
BA!HA! LOL!
catmando!
 
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catmando

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A middle eastern king was down on his money and began to sell off his valuables. The last of these was the Star of the Euphrates, at that time the most valuable diamond in existence. He went to a pawnbroker who offered him 100,000 rials for it. "Are you crazy?", said the king. "I paid one million rials for this gem! Don't you know who I am?"

The pawnbroker replied, "When you wish to pawn a star, makes no difference who you are."

catmando!
 

Summiteer

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If you have 50 female pigs and fifty male deer, what do you have?
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a hundred sows and bucks......frickin rich......
 

Murminator

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I once had an Arctic Cat.....Biggest joke ever :p









Sorry misread thought is was biggest ;)
 

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Mother Teresa and sister Mary were on there way to church
one sunday morning, as the car rounded a curve in the road
the Devil jumped up on the hood of the car. Sister Mary started to scream and mother teresa started yelling show him your cross show him your cross, so sister Mary roll's down the window and sticks her head out and yell's get the hell off my f@#*ing car

:d:d:d
 
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catmando

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The Vanilla pudding Robbery

This is just too funny not to share. Excerpted from an article which
appeared in The Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2.

Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling
the security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to
find one or two large safes filled with cash & valuables, were surprised
to
see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank.

The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found
only a small bowl of vanilla pudding.

As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said, 'At least
we'll have a bit to eat.'

The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but
vanilla pudding. The process continued until all safes were opened.

They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold.
Instead, all the safes contained covered little bowls of pudding.


Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing
more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach. The newspaper headline
read:




'IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING'....
 

-Swede-

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A cowboy walks into a town, while sitting in tha bar drinking whiskey, a man comes into the bar and says:
- does someone want to earn a few bucks helping me with a problem i have?
the cowboy, down on his luck and thirsty for more whiskey, replies:
- what problem do you need help with?
to wich the man replies:
- I have a horse, and hes always sad, so sad he won't do any work or be ridden.
- I think I know how to fix him. the cowboy says.
so off to the stables they go, and there is the horse, hanging his head, moping.
- just give me a minute alone with him, the cowboy said.
so the other man gets out of the stables, and after a minute he hears the horse laughing, and gets into the stables, the horse is laughing his arse off, and won't stop.
unfortunately he couldn't thank the cowboy, he had slipped out unnoticed.

One week later, the cowboy returned to the town, where he was quickly apprehanded by the man he met on his last visit, who told the cowboy:
- what in gods name have you done with my horse? the damn thing won't stop laughing.
the cowboy just sighed and said:
- let me talk to him again.
into the stables they went, and after a minute the horses owner heard the horse crying like a child.
this time, he stopped the cowboy before he could leave, he told him:
- I'll buy you all the whiskey you can drink and more, just tell mewhat you're doing to my poor horse!
- oh it's nothing, the cowboy said, first time i was here, i simply told him i had a bigger d!ck than him, naturally, the horse started laughing, this time though, to make him stop laughing, I showed him...
 
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