Too Funny

[jeffg463]

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the

pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I'd like to buy some

cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't

give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law? I'll lose my licence!

They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen.

Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in

bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription.

 

[john s]

Like it:d

 

[jeffg463]

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited.
Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on
productive salesmanship.

Sally led off. "I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30," she said
proudly. "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil
spirit, and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Jenny was next. "I sold magazines," she said. "I made $45, and I
explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current
events."

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher..

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn, and the teacher held her
breath.

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box
full of cash on the teacher's desk, saying, "$2,467."

"$2,467!" cried the teacher. "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher. "How could you possibly sell
enough toothbrushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny. "I set up a
Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample. They
all said the same thing, 'Hey, this tastes like dog poop!' Then I
would say, 'It is dog poop. Wanna buy a toothbrush?' I used the
government's strategy of giving you something shitty for free and then
making you pay to get the taste out of their mouths.

 

[jeffg463]

A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment, all of his own,
He went proudly down to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, a stunning young lady came out of the apartment next to the
Mailboxes, wearing only a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with Him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had
Nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my
Apartment, I hear someone coming.'
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned
Against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.


Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears?!?!?'' Look at these breasts;
They are a full 38 inches and 100% natural. I work out every day and my
Ass is firm and solid I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin - not a blemish anywhere.

How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'
Clearing his throat, he stammered... 'Outside, when you said you heard
Someone coming... That was me.'

 

[jeffg463]

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota whch makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new Employee.


He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.


The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.


The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena ..

'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday....'

'Your job is to give Elmo 2 test tickles.