Required: Sense of humor

retiredpop

Active VIP Member
Joined
Mar 18, 2007
Messages
1,691
Reaction score
5,014
Location
Calgary
Actual Passport Letter...Hilarious....A Must Read


Actual letter to the Canadian Passport office
Dear Mr.. Minister,
I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this.
How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows
that I bought a t.v. cable from them back in 1997, and yet, the Federal
Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date.
For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand?
My birth date you have on my social insurance card, and it is on all the
income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years. It is on my health
insurance card, my driver's license, on the last eight goddamn passports
I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out
before being allowed off the planes over the last 30 years, and all those
insufferable census forms that are done at election tim es.
Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is
Maryanne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be absolutely astounded if that
ever changed between now and when I die!!!!!!
ch!t!
I apologize, Mr. Minister. I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you
an' me, I've had enough of this bullch!t! You send the application to my
house, then you ask me for my f'ng address. What is going on? You have a
gang of Neanderthal assholes workin' there!
Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to dig up
Yasser Arafat, for ch!t sakes. I just want to go and park my ass on a sandy
beach.
And would someone please tell me, why would you give a ch!t whether I plan
on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do
something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not
want to tell anyone!
Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the city and
get another f'ng copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of $60!!!
Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to
assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day??
Nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us
running all over the f'ng place like chickens with our heads cut off,
then find some a-hole to confirm that it's really me on the goddamn picture
- you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?! (f'ng
morons)
Hey, you know why we can't smile? We're totally pissed off!
Signed - An Irate f'ng Canadian Citizen.
P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to
confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since 1776
when one of my forefathers took up arms against the Americans. I have served
in the military for something over 30 years and have had security clearances
up the yingyang.
I was aide de camp to the lieutenant governor of our province for ten years
and I have been doing volunteer work for the RCMP for about five years.
However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know,
someone like my doctor WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN COMMUNIST f'ng CHINA !!!
 

retiredpop

Active VIP Member
Joined
Mar 18, 2007
Messages
1,691
Reaction score
5,014
Location
Calgary
Medicare Part G





If you are an older senior citizen and can no longer take care of yourself and need Long-Term Care, but the government says there is no nursing home care available for you, what do you do?

You may opt for Medicare Part G.

The plan gives anyone 75 or older a gun (Part G) and one bullet. You may then shoot one worthless politician. This means you will be sent to prison for the rest of your life where you will receive three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating and air conditioning, cable TV, a library, and all the health care you need.

Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That's great. Need a hearing aid, new hip, knees, kidney, lungs, sex change, or heart? They are all covered!

As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you at least as often as they do now! And, who will be paying for all this? The same government that just told you they can't afford for you to go into a nursing home.

And you will get rid of a useless politician while you are at it. And now, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any more income taxes! Is this a great country or what?

Now that you have solved your senior Long-Term Care problem, enjoy the rest of your week!
 

retiredpop

Active VIP Member
Joined
Mar 18, 2007
Messages
1,691
Reaction score
5,014
Location
Calgary
Tenjooberrymuds-------------

Travelling in Canada? Maybe you need to understand Tenjooberrymuds!


I was recently in Vancouver and decided to learn the Chinese language, so I could understand the check-outs at McDonalds.

My next move is to learn Indian, so I can understand my doctors and the person that answers the phone when I have a warranty problem.
Yep, by the time you read this, You too will be able to understand the 1st line.
"TENJOOBERRYMUDS"... (first line)

This is a hoot .... Sad, because it is TRUE ..... But a hoot!!!!
By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND

In order to continue getting-by in Canada (our home land), we all need to learn the NEW English language! Practice by reading the following conversation until you are able to understand the term "TENJOOBERRYMUDS".

With a little patience, you'll be able to fit right in.
Now, here goes...

The following is a telephone exchange between maybe you as a hotel guest and call room-service somewhere in good old Canada today.......

Room Service : "Morrin. Roon sirbees."

Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialled room-service."

Room Service: " Rye . Roon sirbees... morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???"

Guest: "Uh..... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs.."

Room Service: "Ow July den?"

Guest: ".....What??"

Room Service: "Ow July den?!?... Pryed, boyud, poochd?"

Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry.. Scrambled, please."

Room Service: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"

Guest: "Crisp will be fine."

Room Service: "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"

Guest: "What?"

Room Service: "An toes. July Sahn toes?"

Guest: "I... Don't think so."

Room Service: "No? Judo wan sahn toes???"

Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."

Room Service: "Toes! Toes!...Why Joo don Juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"

Guest: "Oh, English muffin!!! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'... Fine... Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

Room Service: "We bodder?"

Guest: "No, just put the bodder on the side."

Room Service: "Wad?!?"

Guest: "I mean butter... Just put the butter on the side."

Room Service: "Copy?"

Guest: "Excuse me?"

Room Service: "Copy... tea.. meel?"

Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... And that's everything."

Room Service: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin, we bodder on sigh and copy .... Rye ??"

Guest: "Whatever you say.."

Room Service: "Tenjooberrymuds."

Guest: "You're welcome"

Remember I said "By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND 'TENJOOBERRYMUDS'

".......and you do, don't you!
 

retiredpop

Active VIP Member
Joined
Mar 18, 2007
Messages
1,691
Reaction score
5,014
Location
Calgary
Nerves of Steel Woman stops 3.5metre croc with .22 pistol.



A Darwin woman, Beverly Thompson, 38, has stopped a crocodile attack

using a small .22 caliber Ruger pistol. This is a story of

self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a

small pistol against a fierce predator.



Here's her story in her own words: "While walking along the edge of a

lake near my house in the Zuccoli Village Estate near Darwin

discussing a property settlement with my soon-to-be ex-husband, and

other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 3.5metre crocodile

which suddenly emerged from the murky water.



"It began charging us with its large jaws wide open.



"She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive.



"If I had not had my little Ruger .22 calibre pistol with me, I

wouldn't be here today!" said Beverly.



"Just one shot to my estranged husband's kneecap was all it took.



"The croc got him easily, and I was able to escape by just walking

away at a brisk pace.



The amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible - and his

life insurance was also a big bonus!. It makes a good case for

permits to carry licensed firearms in the Territory."​
 

snochuk

Active VIP Member
Joined
Nov 9, 2006
Messages
6,138
Reaction score
19,818
Location
Edmonton
Education time,,,,. Brought to you by the folks who develop and update curriculum in our schools.





1. Teaching Math In 1950...
A logger sells a truckload of timber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.

What is his profit? $____



2 Teaching Math In 1970…
A logger sells a truckload of timber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80.

What is his profit? $___




3 Teaching Math In 1990…
A logger sells a truckload of timber for $100. His cost of production is $80.

Did he make a profit?

__Yes or __No



4. Teaching Math In 2000…
A logger sells a truckload of timber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20.

Your assignment: Underline the number 20.



5. Teaching Math In 2015…
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals
or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20.

What do you think of this way of making a living?

Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut
down their homes?




6. Teaching Math in 2021…
Math is Racist. Students no longer need any math skills to Graduate school.
2+2 = 4, or 22 what ever you feel is correct. There are no wrong answers, feel free to express your
feelings e.g., anger, anxiety, inadequacy, helplessness etc.

Should you require debriefing at the conclusion of the exam there are Counsellors available to assist you to adjust back into the real world.




AND YOU WONDERED WHY THEY NEED A COMPUTER TO MAKE CHANGE AT THE STORE??!?!
 
Last edited:

niner

Active VIP Member
Joined
Mar 14, 2009
Messages
7,993
Reaction score
57,002
Location
lacombe
Education time,,,,. Brought to you by the folks who develop and update curriculum in our schools.





1. Teaching Math In 1950...
A logger sells a truckload of timber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.

What is his profit? $____



2 Teaching Math In 1970…
A logger sells a truckload of timber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80.

What is his profit? $___




3 Teaching Math In 1990…
A logger sells a truckload of timber for $100. His cost of production is $80.

Did he make a profit?

__Yes or __No



4. Teaching Math In 2000…
A logger sells a truckload of timber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20.

Your assignment: Underline the number 20.



5. Teaching Math In 2015…
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals
or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20.

What do you think of this way of making a living?

Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut
down their homes?




6. Teaching Math in 2021…
Math is Racist. Students no longer need any math skills to Graduate school.
2+2 = 4, or 22 what ever you feel is correct. There are no wrong answers, feel free to express your
feelings e.g., anger, anxiety, inadequacy, helplessness etc.

Should you require debriefing at the conclusion of the exam there are Counsellors available to assist you to adjust back into the real world.




AND YOU WONDERED WHY THEY NEED A COMPUTER TO MAKE CHANGE AT THE STORE??!?!
BFDAA3F7-ADD4-4CE0-9D2A-220C52AEDD61.jpeg

My daughter in grade 8 is learning about integer’s. Or I should say I am teaching her. What a useless thing to teach someone.
 

retiredpop

Active VIP Member
Joined
Mar 18, 2007
Messages
1,691
Reaction score
5,014
Location
Calgary
A devout Muslim entered a black cab in London. He curtly asked the cabbie to turn off the radio because as decreed by his religious teaching, he must not listen to music because in the time of the prophet there was no music, especially Western music which is the music of the infidel.

The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab and opened the door.

The Muslim asked him, "What are you doing?"

The cabbie answered, "In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, so get out and wait for a camel.."
 

Crustyolddude

Active VIP Member
Joined
Jun 10, 2013
Messages
529
Reaction score
1,315
Location
Fort Saskatchewan
The Indians on the Aamjiwnaang First Nation reservation in Grand Bend asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn’t tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the Canadian Weather Service and asked, ‘Is the coming winter going to be cold?’
‘It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,’ the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the Canadian Weather Service again. ‘Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?’

‘Yes,’ the man at Weather Service again replied, ‘it’s going to be a very cold winter.’

The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later, the chief called the Canadian Weather Service again. ‘Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?’

‘Absolutely,’ the man replied. ‘It’s looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we’ve ever seen.’

‘How can you be so sure?’ the chief asked.

The weatherman replied, ‘The Indians are collecting an astounding amount of firewood !’
 

retiredpop

Active VIP Member
Joined
Mar 18, 2007
Messages
1,691
Reaction score
5,014
Location
Calgary
Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp near the Lake. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how you can be so much larger than me. We're the same age; we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it."

"Well," said the big gator, "what have you been eating?"

"Politicians, same as you," replied the small gator.

"Hmm.....Well, where do you catch them?"

"Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Hill."

"Same here. Hmm.... How do you catch them?"

"Well, I crawl up under one of their fancy cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the ch!t out of them and eat 'em!"

"Same here." says the big gator. "Do you eat Liberals or Conservatives?"

"I eat the Liberals" says the little guy.

"Ah!" says the big gator. "I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. You see, by the time you finish shaking the ch!t out of a Liberal, there's nothing left but an a-hole and a briefcase.”
 

retiredpop

Active VIP Member
Joined
Mar 18, 2007
Messages
1,691
Reaction score
5,014
Location
Calgary
A QUEEN's TALE

We'll always remember her sense of humor and that beautiful smile

I was on Guard of Honour, waiting for the King of Saudi Arabia, on Horseguards.

On the right flank; Scots Guard (100 guardsmen) a gap, HM The Queen, mounted in uniform; alongside her the CO Colonel Gerald, another gap, then on the left flank, the Queen’s Company Grenadier Guards (100 guardsmen).

We’re stood at ease waiting.

Suddenly the silence was broken by Colonel Gerald’s charger erupting with horse farts at full volume for two minutes.

Embarrassed and staring straight ahead Colonel Gerald says, “Sorry about that your Majesty!”

She replies, in a wonderful voice, “That’s alright Gerald, . . . I thought it was your horse!”

200 guardsmen silently cried with laughter, and tapped their rifle butts on the gravel.

From that moment, every man there adored her!
 

retiredpop

Active VIP Member
Joined
Mar 18, 2007
Messages
1,691
Reaction score
5,014
Location
Calgary
Busy day at the Pearly Gates



A petitioner tells St. Peter that his last day on earth was not a good one.



"I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just got out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th-floor apartment and found the guy clinging to the rail by his fingertips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive, I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died."

Saint Peter thanked him for his story and sent him on to the waiting room.

The second applicant arrived. He also says that his last day was his worst.

"I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment and I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th-floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest."

Saint Peter couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the waiting room.

Saint Peter, still chuckling, meets his third customer of the day.

He apologizes and says, "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the last two fellows".

"I don't know,"
replies the man. "Picture this, I'm naked, hiding in a cedar chest....”
 

Radar78

Active VIP Member
Joined
Apr 14, 2013
Messages
479
Reaction score
1,009
Location
Dundurn, Sask. Canada
Busy day at the Pearly Gates



A petitioner tells St. Peter that his last day on earth was not a good one.



"I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just got out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th-floor apartment and found the guy clinging to the rail by his fingertips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive, I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died."

Saint Peter thanked him for his story and sent him on to the waiting room.

The second applicant arrived. He also says that his last day was his worst.

"I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment and I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th-floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest."

Saint Peter couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the waiting room.

Saint Peter, still chuckling, meets his third customer of the day.

He apologizes and says, "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the last two fellows".

"I don't know,"
replies the man. "Picture this, I'm naked, hiding in a cedar chest....”

K thats hilarious.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 
Top Bottom