Joke of the Day

*xo* · Mar 25, 2010

I got a really funny email today and thought I would do a joke of the day thread.....see how it goes?!?! Post away!!

A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.
After having great time *playing in the sheets* she spent the next
hour just rubbing his testes ...
Something she just loved to do.
As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her,
"Why do you love doing that?"
"Because..." she replied ...
...
....
. ....
.......
"I Really Miss Mine" :nono:

:d

catmando · Mar 25, 2010

Thats nasty...................LOL! LMAO!
catmando!

*xo* · Mar 25, 2010

The Other Stall ...

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other bathroom stall saying:
'Hi, how are you?'

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom. I don't know what got into me, but I answered, somewhat embarrassed, 'Doin' just fine!'

And the other person says:
'So what are you up to?'

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:
'Uhhh, I'm like you, just sitting here.'

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question:
'Can I come over?'

Ok, this question is just too weird for me. I figured I could politely end the conversation. I say:
'No........I'm a little busy right now!!!'

Then I hear the person say, nervously:
'Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!!'

Throttle*Queen · Mar 25, 2010

Why do midgets laugh when they run?

The grass tickles their nuts!

*xo* · Mar 26, 2010

Oh No...This one isn't as PG but I'll do my best

The doctor told a man that diddling yourself before
> doing it, often helped men last longer during the act.
> The man decided, "What the heck, I'll
> try it." He spent the rest of the day thinking about
> where to do it.
> He couldn't do it in his office.
> He thought about the restroom, but that was too
> open.
> He considered an alley, but figured that was too
> unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution.
>
> On the way home from work, he pulled his truck
> over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled
> underneath as if examining the truck.
>
> Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants
> and started to do his thing, he closed his eyes and thought of
> his lover.
> As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug
> at his pant leg. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or
> the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied,
> "What?"
> He heard , "This is the police. What in the
> he!! are you doing?"
>
> The man replied, "I'm checking out the
> rear axle, it's busted."
> The cop says, "Well, you better check your
> brakes too, because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago.." :alol2:

padleym1000 · Mar 26, 2010

hahahahahahahahahaha thats a good one.. :alol2:

Taminator · Mar 26, 2010

LMAO *xo*

A man travels to Spain and goes to a Madrid restaurant for a late dinner. He orders the house special and he is brought a plate with potatoes, corn, and two large meaty objects. "What's this?" he asks. "Cojones, senor," the waiter replies. "What are cojones?" the man asks. "Cojones," the waiter explains, "are the testicles of the bull who lost at the arena this afternoon."

At first the man is disgusted, but being the adventurous type, he decides to try this local delicacy. To his amazement, it is quite delicious. In fact, it is so good that he decides to come back again the next night and order it again. After dinner the man informed the waiter that these were better than the pair he had the previous afternoon but the portion was much smaller.

"Senor," the waiter explains, "the bull does not lose every time."

Taminator · Mar 26, 2010

Sorry, deleted it...a bit rude...

*xo* · Mar 26, 2010

These jokes make my day!

TheLonelyIsland · Mar 26, 2010

hahahahaha!!!!!!!!! now i no who to talk when i feel like crap!!!!!!!!!!

*xo* · Mar 28, 2010

Im a blonde and even I think these are really funny!! Sorry Other blondes...no offense intended

SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; Likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken.":d

*xo* · Mar 28, 2010

Maxine was in the pub yesterday when she suddenly realized she desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so she timed her farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, Maxine started to feel better. She finished her pint and noticed that everybody was staring at her.

Then Maxine suddenly remembered that she was listening to her iPod.

Bruzer · Mar 28, 2010

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him. The young man noticed her overly attentive stare & walked directly toward her. Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude for staring, the young man said to her, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100, on one condition.' Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The young man replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.'
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, withdrew from her purse and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which she pressed into the young man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, "Clean my house."

Bruzer · Mar 28, 2010

A young man at this construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone based on his strength. He especially made fun of one of the older workman. After several minutes, the older worker had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where you mouth is?" he said. "I'll bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to the other building that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the young man replied. "Let's see what you've got."
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then nodding to the young man, he said with a smile, "All right. Get in."

grnboyz · Mar 29, 2010

Women's night out

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out.
Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten
over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.
Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped
in the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take
off her panties and use them.
Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and
did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to
a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to
wipe with that.
After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.
The next day one of the woman's husband was concerned that his
normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, 'These girl nights have got to stop!
I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!'
'That's nothing,' said the other husband, 'mine came back with a card
stuck to her @ss that said....."From all of us at the Fire Station.
We'll never forget you".'

grnboyz · Mar 29, 2010

The Blonde Mortician

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit..The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe ; the suit fits him perfectly .
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost,
I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I' m very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.
'There's no charge,' she says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'

grnboyz · Mar 29, 2010

AN ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.
The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'
'Yes, Father, it is.'
'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'
'I cannot say.'
'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
'Was it Lisa Piriano?'
'My lips are sealed.'
'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration.
'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads.'

grnboyz · Mar 29, 2010

DON'T MESS WITH FARM KIDS

A young boy comes down for breakfast.
Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores.
'Not yet,' said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little ticked off so when he feeds the chickens, he kicks a chicken.
When he feeds the pigs, he kicks a pig.
When he feeds the cows, he kicks a cow.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
'How come I don't get any eggs and bacon, and why don't I have any milk in my cereal?' he asks.
'Well,' his mother says, 'I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week.
I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any pork or bacon for a week either.
I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk.'
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says,
'You gonna tell him or should I?'

*xo* · Apr 5, 2010

:Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????"

T-SHIRT

A blonde goes over to her friend's house wearing a T. G. I. F. Tee-shirt.
'Why are you wearing a 'Thank God It's Friday' tee-shirt on Monday?'
'Oh crap!' the blonde says. 'I didn't realize it was a religious t-shirt. I thought it meant 'Tits Go In Front.''

CAR TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
:d

*xo* · Apr 5, 2010

Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar.

After awhile one looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland.

The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, I sure am!'

The first one says, 'So am I! And where about in Ireland are ya from?

The other woman answers, 'I'm from St.John's, I am.'

The first one responds, 'So, am I! And what street did you live on?'

The other woman says, 'A lovely little area it was in the west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.'

The first one says, 'Faith and it's a small world. So did I! So did I! And what school did ya go to?'

The other woman answers, 'Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of course.'

The first one gets really excited and says, 'And so did I. Tell me,what year did you graduate?'

The other woman answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'

The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 me self.'

About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down and orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael, shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'

Michael asks, 'Why do you say that , Brian?'

Brian answers, 'The Murphy twins are drunk again.'

.

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