Joke of the Day

*xo* · Apr 12, 2010

A blonde motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she
was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The
man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego ?"

"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"

"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my
truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which
have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already
so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly
take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."

"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees
were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and
carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the
heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!! There was
the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the
two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.

With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over
to the blonde. What the heck are you doing here?" he
demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the
zoo."

"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde," but we had money
left over---so now we're going to Sea World!"

RMK Junky · Apr 13, 2010

THE LONELY BRAIN CELL

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head.
She looked around nervously because it was all empty and quiet.
"Hello?" she cried, but no answer.
"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.
Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice,

"HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"

Then she heard a faint voice from far, far away..............

"We're down here ."

catmando · Apr 14, 2010

Skinny little white Newfie goes into an elevator, looks up and
sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the
little Newfie staring at him, he looks down and says: '7 feet tall, 350
pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown.'

The little white Newfie faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.. The big
guy says, 'What's wrong with you?'

In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say
to me?'

The big dude says, 'I saw your curious look and figured I'd just
give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me...... I'm 7
feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles
weigh 3 pounds each and my name is Turner Brown.'

The little white Newfie says:

'Turner Brown?!....Sweet Jazus, I tought you said, 'Turn around!
catmando!

grnboyz · Apr 14, 2010

3 Roses

A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy.
Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anaesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.
Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor.
'I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!'
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him:
'I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself.'
'The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and understood because she had had the same procedure done some time ago.'
'And what about the third rose?' she asked.
'That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears.'

grnboyz · Apr 14, 2010

3 dogs

Three dogs are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they strike up a conversation.
The black Lab turns to the chocolate Lab and says, "So why are you here?"
The Chocolate Lab replies, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything.....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."
The black Lab says, "So what is the vet going to do?"
"Gonna cut my nuts off," comes the reply from the chocolate Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down."
The black Lab then turns to the yellow lab and asks, "Why are you here?"
The yellow Lab says, "I'm a digger I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees.
I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets.
But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners couch."
"So what are they going to do to you?" the black Lab inquires.
"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too, the dejected yellow Lab says.
The yellow Lab then turns to the black Lab and asks, "Why are you here?"
"I'm a humper," the black Lab says. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, whatever.
I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes. I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away"
The yellow and chocolate Labs exchange a sad glance and says, "So, nuts off for you too, huh?"

The black Lab says ...."No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."

Summiteer · Apr 14, 2010

So they're getting some renovations done at the convent. The mother superior gets a headache from all the construction noise and dust so she tells the receptionist that she's going up to her room to lie down for a bit. Now it's really hot out and the habits that they wear are heavy and uncomfortable so she strips before lying down. About half an hour or so goes by, the M.S. is napping away when the intercom goes off. "Sorry to bother you mother, but there is a blind man here in need of council" the receptionist says. Mother Superior starts to get dressed, but figures because the man is blind she will see him in her room, then she won't have to get all geared up and go downstairs. She tells the receptionist to escort him up, she will see him in her room. A few minutes later there is a knock on the door. The nun answers it: "Yes, how can I help you young man"? He takes a step back: Whoa! nice t1ts! What colors do you want your blinds?

*xo* · Apr 15, 2010

Why are men like clouds?

eventually they f@*k off and its a really nice day!!

Taminator · Apr 15, 2010

*xo* said:
Why are men like clouds?

eventually they f@*k off and its a really nice day!!

That right there is a good one!!! :rollinglaugh:

Sofa king · Apr 15, 2010

Little Johnny is sitting in class on friday afternoon when the teacher assigns them homework for the weekend. " Ok children this weekend i would like you to find out the difference between a beaver and a c#nt" the children groan at the thought of homework and head home for the weekend.

Little Johnny comes through the door and heads straight to his Xbox, his father knowing his son says "Johnny, you know you can't play on the xbox until your homework is done. What did the teacher give you for the weekend?"

Johnny groans " I have to find out the difference between a beaver and a c#nt"

"Well thats easy" replies his father "come with me and i'll show you"

So they head up stairs to the master bedroom where they find Johnny's mother taking a nap. Johnny's father lifts up the sheets and says " You see Johnny that's a beaver"

Johnny is quite taken with his first look at a womans anatomy and he extends his hand out to touch it. His father slaps his hand violently and proclaims

"Don't touch it! You'll wake the c#nt up"

OH YA THATS RIGHT, I SAID IT

shan · Apr 15, 2010

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer and, at the appropriate point in the process, she told him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he could remember easily and would use each time he had to log on.

The husband was a bit bored by the process and, feeling in a rather amorous mood, figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he paused for effect, then letter by letter, with his wife watching over his shoulder, he keyed in ......

P E N I S

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:

PASSWORD: REJECTED.... ... NOT LONG ENOUGH

Throttle*Queen · Apr 15, 2010

How do you know when a man is going to say something intelligent?

When he starts his sentence with; "A woman once told me..."

Taminator · Apr 16, 2010

Stole this from another thread...thought it was appropriate as the 'joke of the day' LOL

YouTube - Broadcast Yourself.

grnboyz · Apr 16, 2010

Pushing the envelope

A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 Survivors; Bob, Tom and Susie.
They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.
After several years of casual sex, all the time, Susie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing.
She felt having sex with both Bob and Tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself.
It was tragic, but Bob and Tom managed to get through it. After a while, Bob and Tom's resistance to nature's urgings waned, and the inevitable happened.
Well, a couple more years went by and Bob and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.

So ... they buried Susie.

PEAK SEEKER · Apr 16, 2010

That's just not right.

Throttle*Queen · Apr 16, 2010

Nicole, a blonde city girl, marries a Colorado rancher. One morning, on his way out to check the cows, the rancher says to Nicole, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today; I drove a nail into the 2X4 just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here OK?"
So then the rancher leaves for the fields.
After a while the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Nicole takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him,
"This is the one....right here!"
Terribly impressed by what he thought would be another dizzy blonde the man asks, "Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?"
"Thats simple. By the nail above its stall." Nicole explains very confidently. Then the man asks, "Whats the nail for?"
She turns and walks away, and with complete confidence says; "I guess it's to hang your pants on!"

grnboyz · Apr 17, 2010

Voted Best Joke in Ireland

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!'
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the Best toast of the night.'
She said, 'Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?'
John said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.'
'Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary..'

She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.'

TheLonelyIsland · Apr 17, 2010

Throttle*Queen said:
Nicole, a blonde city girl, marries a Colorado rancher. One morning, on his way out to check the cows, the rancher says to Nicole, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today; I drove a nail into the 2X4 just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here OK?"
So then the rancher leaves for the fields.
After a while the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Nicole takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him,
"This is the one....right here!"
Terribly impressed by what he thought would be another dizzy blonde the man asks, "Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?"
"Thats simple. By the nail above its stall." Nicole explains very confidently. Then the man asks, "Whats the nail for?"
She turns and walks away, and with complete confidence says; "I guess it's to hang your pants on!"

hahahahaha!!! lol hilarious!!!!! kickin thread!! lol:d

TheLonelyIsland · Apr 17, 2010

*xo* said:
Why are men like clouds?

eventually they f@*k off and its a really nice day!!

you just offended me and now i will hate you forever..................jk lol

One Shot Willie · Apr 18, 2010

these are the best!

*xo* · Apr 19, 2010

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a
job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that sh!t.

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