Required: Sense of humor

[albertagal500]

When you don't turn off your computer at night.

Icon War

[albertagal500]

SMART ASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during a flight on Alaska Airlines.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
"What are my choices?" John asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.


SMART ASS ANSWER #5

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his
trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your
stub."


SMART ASS ANSWER #4

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but
she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."


SMART ASS ANSWER #3

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.



SMART ASS ANSWER #2

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on
his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2007

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.

"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

[albertagal500]

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY? (Written by kids)

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED? <

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10


WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. -- Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favourite is........

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
-- Ricky, age 10 (right on son - you got it)

[albertagal500]

So more to make everyones day.

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home I told the Woman that I was very sorry, but would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt" So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants...
You might have gotten Disability, too."

***********************
DANGER!
Beer contains female hormones!
This is serious stuff...Beer contains female hormones!
Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female
hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops
contain(phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:
1) argued over nothing.
2) refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional.
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally
8) Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary.

********************
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided
to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting
next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: Green,
red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look
and find him staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he
sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild
in your life?'

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on
his response; knowing he would have a good one. And in classic style he did not
bat an eye in his response, 'Got drunk once and did 'it' with a peacock. I
was just wondering if you were my son.'

[bbtoys]

Still laughing over the mall joke. Nice one. Barry

[albertagal500]

Only the Irish have Jokes Like These

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a
train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must
have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he
gave me with it"

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something
in your hand?"

"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was,
but useless in a fight."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------


An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one
night and, of course,

his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So,"
says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.


"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his
chest, "that a few

intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"


"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone
deaf."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------


Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at
her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda." There was an accident down at
the Guinness brewery..."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

----------------------------------------------------------------------


Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and
she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last
night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last
requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "

She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'"

-----------------------------------------------------------------

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits
down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the

Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!"

[albertagal500]

A Doctor in Newfoundland wanted to get off work and go
hunting, so he approached his assistant "Garge, I am going hunting
tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the
clinic and take care of all me patients".

"Yes, sir!" answers George.

The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks:
"So,Garge, How was your day?"

George told him that he took care of three patients. "The first
one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL."

"Bravo Mate, and the second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir"
says George.

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at
this and what about the third one?"
asks the doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman
enters.
Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything
including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table,
spreading her legs and shouts:

'HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!'"

"T'underin' lard Jesus, Garge, what did you do?" asks the doctor.

"I put drops in her eyes."

[albertagal500]

Finding Love When It's Freezing...

Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had.

The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

She said it was midwinter...snowing and quite cold...and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City , Utah. It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before.

The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon.

They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte.

They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere!

Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while.

Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car. They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started.

In the deep snow she didn't have very good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself.

Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation.

As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender.

Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold.

Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's, concerns about "what is taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off" and in need of some assistance!

He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma.

Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal!

Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free.

So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender. As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be "pants down". And you thought your first date was embarrassing!

Jay Leno's comment, "This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off."

Oh, and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Tonight Show.

[4byrookie]

Here is another to add.

NEW rules for entering Alberta:

1. Bring your own house.

2. If going to the Oil Sands, bring your own house, school and hospital.

3. If going to Edmonton, wear your flak jacket. This is the murder capital of Canada.

4. If driving to Edmonton, it is also the auto theft centre of Canada.

5. If you are bringing drugs, head to Fort McMurray, the drug capital of Canada.

6. If you are looking for work, look no further. Minimum wage is $15.60/hour.

7. If you work downtown, parking costs $15.00/hour.

8. If you are able to buy a house in Edmonton, or Calgary, why not spend the money on a 15 year holiday.

9 If you drive a Hummer, look out. We have the highest gas prices in Canada. The Alberta Advantage.

10. In Edmonton we have 5 hospitals. 10 years ago we had 7. Don't come here sick.

11. In Calgary the population has exploded. The last road was paved 12 years ago. Calgary is a no parking zone.


THE NEW RULES FOR DRIVING IN ALBERTA:

1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name, it is: 'CAL-GREE' and 'ED-MIN-TIN'.

2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00 am to noon. The evening rush hour is from noon to 8:00 pm. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.

3. The minimum acceptable speed on most freeways is 130 kph. On Deerfoot & Whitemud, you are expected to match the speed of the airplanes coming in for a landing at the airport. Anything less is considered 'Wussy'.

4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. We now have our own version of traffic rules. For example, cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires go second. However, in the Hamptons, SUV-driving, cell phone-talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way.

5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot.

6. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously. It's another offense that can get you shot.

7. Road construction is permanent and continuous. Detour barrels are moved around during the middle of the night to make the next day's driving a bit more exciting, but nothing ever gets finished, and more construction starts everyday.

8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks, dogs, cats, deer, barrels, cones, cows, horses, cats, mattresses, shredded tires, garbage, squirrels, rabbits, crows, and coyotes feeding on any of these items.

9. Deerfoot, QEII, Hwy 2, Calgary Trail, and Gateway Blvd are the same road.

10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been 'accidentally activated.'

11. If you are in the left lane and only driving 110 in a 80-90 kph zone, you are considered a road hazard and will be 'flipped off' accordingly. If you return the flip, you'll be shot.

12. For winter driving, it is advisable to wear your parka, toque, fur lined mittens and mukluks. Make sure you have a shovel, food, candle and blankets in the vehicle, as snow removal from the city streets is virtually non-existent until the spring thaw

[albertagal500]

A Woman's Version of the Night Before Christmas






T'was the night before Christmas and all through the kitchen;

I was cooking and baking and moanin and bitchin.

I've been here for hours, I can't stop to rest.

This room's a disaster, just look at this mess!



Tomorrow I've got thirty people to feed.

They expect all the trimmings. Who cares what I need!

My feet are both blistered, I've got cramps in my legs.

The cat just knocked over a bowl full of eggs.



There's a knock at the door and the telephone's ringing;

frosting drips on the counter as the microwave's dinging.

Two pies in the oven, dessert's almost done;

my cookbook is soiled with butter and crumbs.



I've had all I can stand, I can't take anymore;

Then in walks my husband, spilling rum on the floor.

He weaves and he wobbles, his balance unsteady;

then grins as he chuckles "The eggnog is ready!"

He looks all around and with total regret, says,

"What's taking so long....aren't you through in here yet?"



As quick as a flash I reach for a knife;

He loses an earlobe; I wanted his life!

He flees from the room in terror and pain

and screams, "MY GOD WOMAN, YOU'RE GOING INSANE!!"



Now what was I doing, and what is that smell?

Oh darn, it's the pies! They're burned all to hell!

I hate to admit when I make a mistake,

but I put them on BROIL instead of on BAKE.



What else can go wrong? Is there still more ahead?

If this is good living, I'd rather be dead.

Lord, don't get me wrong, I love holidays;

It just leaves me exhausted, all shaky and dazed.



But I promise you one thing, If I live 'til next year,

You won't find me pulling my hair out in here.

I'll hire a maid, a cook, and a waiter;

and if that doesn't work, I'LL HAVE IT ALL CATERED!

[albertagal500]

Subject: Thanks for 2007

Dear All
My thanks to all those who have sent me emails this
past year.........

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one
about rat shit in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a
wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also,I now have to scrub the top of every can I open
for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a
sick girl (Penny Brown); who is about to die in the hospital for the
1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will
change once I receive the $5000.00 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL
are sending me for participating in their special
e-mail program ....

Or from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants me
to split $7 million with him for pretending to be a long lost relative
of a customer who died intestate.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have
363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has
granted my every wish.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though
I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day..

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I
forward e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca-Cola
because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy petrol without taking a friend along
to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when
I'm filling up.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will
drug me with a aftershave sample and rob me.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask
me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to
Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big
brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant
death when it bites my bum.

And thanks to your great advice,

I can't even pick up the $20.00 I found dropped in the
car park because it probably was placed there by a sex molester
waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next
70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at
6:00pm this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your
back, causing you to grow a hairy hump.

I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my
next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's
beauticians relative once removed.

By the way....a South American scientist after a
lengthy study has discovered that people with low IQ who have
infrequent sexual activity always read their e-mails with their hand
on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late!

[Summiteer]

How to prepare yourself for Snowmobiling



1. Go to your local snowmobile repair shop, smile and give the first guy you

see $200. This will get you used to spending money there on a regular basis.



2. Fill a 50-gallon barrel with sand. Lower it into a hole. Now lift it out.

If you can, add water to the sand and try it again. Do this 5 times per day.

This will get your back in shape for lifting your sled out of the deep snow.



3. Tie a rope to a heavy-duty spring. Pull the rope repeatedly with each arm

until the pain in your shoulders meets somewhere in middle your back. This

will get you in shape for starting your buds sled, which he conveniently

forgot was out of gas.It's best to do this exercise while someone is

spraying starting fluid into your nose and eyes also.



4. Drink four ounces of cod liver oil mixed with a strong laxative. Dress

with long underwear, wool pants, snowmobile bibs, insulated boots and heavy

coat. Walk far into the woods without any paper products and wait for a

personal emergency. This get you prepare for the Beer shits that come out of

nowhere, and at the wrong time.



5. Place your hands in a bucket of ice water for 20 minutes. Put the

carburetor from your lawn mower in the bottom of your deep freeze.Now climb

in the deep freeze, shut the lid and overhaul it while holding a pen light

in your mouth. This gets you prepared to work on your sled in the freezing

cold and black of night. Advanced riders do this with a leatherman tool



7. Dress up in your new $350 snowmobile bibs. Pour 2 stroke oil down the

right leg, gasoline down the other and Peppermint Schnapps and Beer all

over the front. Fill your boots with ice cubes and ask your wife or

girlfriend to dance. This will prepare her for the stops at the local bar

after a ride.



8. Put on a Balaclava and a full-face helmet. Attempt to drink hot chocolate

through the opening. Advanced riders attempt this while riding a lawn

tractor over in the nearest farmers' field.



9. Find a place where you can pay $4.50 a gallon for regular gas; $19.99

per quart of oil; $16 for a hamburger and frozen French fries; $3 for a coke

and $160 to sleep in a cold cabin on a bed with springs sticking through the

mattress. Stay for two nights, minimum. This will prepare you on the high

cost of your future winter trips.



10. Practice explaining to your banker why you need another loan for a

$60,000 truck to pull the four $20,000 toys, in your $19,000 trailer that

you still owe $50,000 on.

Now, you are 50% ready, and somewhat conditioned to head for the trails and

ride your sled.